This was emailed to me, so posting it for future reference!...
-------------------
There is this puzzle in most Western (and some Eastern) societies
that is really confusing. See if you can figure it out – we’ll use the
United States as an example.
40 years ago…
The average house was 1000 sq feet, now it’s 2422 sq feet
A McDonald’s cheeseburger cost 30 min of wages, now it costs 3 min
There was 1 car for every 2 households, now there are 2 for every 1 household
Life expectancy has since gone up by an average of 8 years
GDP has since tripled or gone up 8.9 trillion dollars
So we live in bigger homes, make more money, and have longer lives.
If that is the case, how can we explain that in the last 40 years:
The divorce rate has doubled
Teen suicide has tripled
Recorded violent crime has quadrupled
And Depression has increased 10x – that’s right ten times.
If things are getting better, why are people getting worse? There isn't a
one line answer to this paradox, but I’m going to offer a two part theory:
(1) We have been focusing on the wrong things to make us happy; and
(2) When something is wrong (anxiety, panic, depression) we only practice
reducing the negative feelings – we ignore increasing the positive.
Guess what? Happiness doesn’t come from just reducing negative feelings.
In other words, if everything “bad” in your life were wiped away, you would
not automatically be incredibly happy. To live a joyous, fulfilled, and
meaningful life, you need to practice positivity. Yes, happiness takes practice.
One simple practice you can start with is called savoring. If you rush around
all day long from the moment you get up to the moment you hit the pillow, you
are probably not taking time to savor. Slow down and savor the good stuff.
Savoring has been scientifically researched to increase your well-being. Try
the exercise below.
Exercise: According to researcher, Fred Bryant, there are 4 effective
ways to savor:
Basking: Receiving praise and congratulations
Thanksgiving: Experiencing and expressing gratitude
Marveling: Losing yourself in the wonder of the experience
Luxuriating: Engaging in the senses fully
My request of you is that you pick one of these 4 techniques and sit
down to savor right now. Sit down for 5 minutes (if you’re busy,
even 2 minutes will do). Think about one pleasant thing that happened
today (smell, touch, sight, sound, experience) and close your eyes and
enjoy it. Reminisce about what you loved about it.
As humans we are great at doing and moving and pushing through to
the next goal; but we need to also focus on enjoying, savoring, and
just “being”. Remember, happiness takes practice, so make it part of
your day.
Love & Light,
Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
-------------------
Note: Not to sound cynical and I appreciate the advice but I wonder who certified her? Herself?
Hmm, the art of savouring. It sounds good in theory, but takes effort and a mindset to want to feel good and in the mood to appreciate the good. This is something I'm not naturally comfortable with. I'll try to savour things more often though if I remember!
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Monday 12 November 2012
The obstacles in fixing one's life - Sleep issue
I often ask myself "why is it apparently so much harder for me to do things than other people?"
It's more than a dumb, biased feeling that everyone else manages to sail through life without problems. I don't want to adopt a 'Victim mindset' and I don't want to make excuses, but it would be dumb not to factor in genuine obstacles I need to deal with or come to terms with in my efforts to progress.
One thing I read up about again recently recently was Circadian rhythm disorders. There are 4 different types- two of which resonate with me:
How Are Circadian Rhythm Disorders Treated?
Circadian rhythm disorders are treated based on the kind of disorder diagnosed. The goal of treatment is to fit a person's sleep pattern into a schedule that allows him or her to meet the demands of a desired lifestyle. Therapy usually combines proper sleep hygiene techniques and external stimulus therapy, such as bright light therapy or chronotherapy. Chronotherapy is a behavioral technique in which the bedtime is gradually and systematically adjusted until a desired bedtime is achieved. Bright light therapy is designed to reset a persons circadian rhythm to a desired pattern. When combined, these therapies may produce significant results in people with circadian rhythm disorders.
Chronotherapy is something I've naturally learned to do myself. I naturally seem to have a 25 hour day, so when I keep going to bed an hour later and getting up an hour later each night to the point where I'm sleeping at 8am and waking at 5pm, I know it's time to do something about my current sleeping pattern! I commit to what I call "going around the clock". Basically it's a case of trying to stay up later and later each day until bed time goes from 8am to 11am for day 2, to 3pm for day 3, to 6pm for day 4 and so on. It's a gradual thing that takes at least a week to sort out. In the mean time going to a place of work, enjoying a social life or arranging day-time appointments is very difficult if not impossible. Not only is it very disruptive to day-to day living, but it's hard work staying awake, and feeling happy when your body is crying out for sleep for 4 or 5 hours towards the end of each day!
I obviously suffer from the symptoms of a Carcadian Rhythm disorder. Perhaps if I can adopt a long term habit of sleeping and waking at the same time each day it's something I can overcome completely?
- I would probably need a regular 9-5 job, or at least a solid work routine which I don't deviate from unlike I have done for the last 10 years!
Until then, it's something I need to deal with, factor into my life and hope other people around me can understand this condition. I fucking hate the thought of people thinking bad of me- that I'm lazy for feeling tired and unmotivated instead of offering understanding and sympathy.
I'll add CRD to my list of ailments!
It's more than a dumb, biased feeling that everyone else manages to sail through life without problems. I don't want to adopt a 'Victim mindset' and I don't want to make excuses, but it would be dumb not to factor in genuine obstacles I need to deal with or come to terms with in my efforts to progress.
One thing I read up about again recently recently was Circadian rhythm disorders. There are 4 different types- two of which resonate with me:
- Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS): This is a disorder of sleep timing. People with DSPS tend to fall asleep very late at night and have difficulty waking up in time for work, school, or social engagements.
- Non 24-Hour Sleep Wake Disorder: This is a disorder in which an individual has a normal sleep pattern, but lives in a 25-hour day. Throughout time, the person's sleep cycle will be affected by inconsistent insomnia that occurs at different times each night. People will sometimes fall asleep at a later time and wake up later, and sometimes fall asleep at an earlier time and wake up earlier.
How Are Circadian Rhythm Disorders Treated?
Circadian rhythm disorders are treated based on the kind of disorder diagnosed. The goal of treatment is to fit a person's sleep pattern into a schedule that allows him or her to meet the demands of a desired lifestyle. Therapy usually combines proper sleep hygiene techniques and external stimulus therapy, such as bright light therapy or chronotherapy. Chronotherapy is a behavioral technique in which the bedtime is gradually and systematically adjusted until a desired bedtime is achieved. Bright light therapy is designed to reset a persons circadian rhythm to a desired pattern. When combined, these therapies may produce significant results in people with circadian rhythm disorders.
Chronotherapy is something I've naturally learned to do myself. I naturally seem to have a 25 hour day, so when I keep going to bed an hour later and getting up an hour later each night to the point where I'm sleeping at 8am and waking at 5pm, I know it's time to do something about my current sleeping pattern! I commit to what I call "going around the clock". Basically it's a case of trying to stay up later and later each day until bed time goes from 8am to 11am for day 2, to 3pm for day 3, to 6pm for day 4 and so on. It's a gradual thing that takes at least a week to sort out. In the mean time going to a place of work, enjoying a social life or arranging day-time appointments is very difficult if not impossible. Not only is it very disruptive to day-to day living, but it's hard work staying awake, and feeling happy when your body is crying out for sleep for 4 or 5 hours towards the end of each day!
I obviously suffer from the symptoms of a Carcadian Rhythm disorder. Perhaps if I can adopt a long term habit of sleeping and waking at the same time each day it's something I can overcome completely?
- I would probably need a regular 9-5 job, or at least a solid work routine which I don't deviate from unlike I have done for the last 10 years!
Until then, it's something I need to deal with, factor into my life and hope other people around me can understand this condition. I fucking hate the thought of people thinking bad of me- that I'm lazy for feeling tired and unmotivated instead of offering understanding and sympathy.
I'll add CRD to my list of ailments!
Saturday 22 September 2012
Living with Stress and Anxiety
I feel anxious every day from the moment I wake up.
It's a constant level of anxiety which has a big impact on the quality of my life. I feel scared at the thought of doing most things and fearful towards my future. It's a truly horrible ailment and as far as I know there is no cure.
I've tried curing myself with several different courses Anti-depressants. However these have an equally negative impact on my life via side effects so feel I can't rely on these. Benzodiazepines such as Diazepam helps me relax and sleep, but I lose my sharpness, alertness and feel tired if I take these plus they are not a long term solution due to potential for addiction. I wonder if there is a drug which will make a significant reduction to these feelings of worry and persistent tenseness in my stomach?
So far doctors I've seen have been pretty useless. When I ask for alternative treatments I often just get a "I don't know what to suggest. I guess you have to just live with it" response. CBT and conventional therapy isn't an answer for me and I think once that and 4 or 5 ADs fail, there doesn't seem to be much help.
I might see if a diet or life routine change could effect how I feel? The only thing that comes to mind which I should probably change is reducing sugar and perhaps fat in my diet. I don't eat a massive excess of bad foods, but feel I could do more to eat healthier. I'll also continue to see if there are other treatments of helping to rid myself of this.
I wondered why I feel anxious all the time? Is my body overly affected by stress hormones and neurotransmitters or perhaps it's producing such hormones too readily? It almost seems irrelevant as from what I can find, there is no sure-fire way to treat my GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).
According to scientists they believe anxiety and GAD are a combo of biological and environmental issues. Seems obvious! And so to relieve anxiety one must re-regulate imbalances in brain chemistry and changes to physical brain functioning- Regulation of serotonin, norepinephrine and gamma-aminobutyric acid in the brain can relieve anxiety. On top of that, feeling in control on one's external life plays a big part in one's mental state.
As long as I am dealing with anxiety and an increased negative response to new and unknown, or known situations, my journey through life will be a tough one. I had/have big ambitions to achieve success in various aspects of my life but am hindered by afflictions such as GAD. It is wrong to compare myself to the next man when I am at a disadvantage. Knowing I have to struggle gives me a small degree of comfort when I am not attaining the same as the next man, but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to achieve great things within my life. I have done well to achieve as much as I have despite my problems and will continue to push myself as far as I can.
One other thing I often theorize is desensitizing myself to life. The idea is to get stuck into things which scare me in an attempt to realize such things aren't so bad after all. The problems are- this can potentially be be a stressful and traumatic experience for me, so I am reluctant to put myself in a place of pain on the off chance it will be beneficial. Second, I want to experience positive references from engaging in new experiences. I could continually attempt new things I'm not prepared for, but feel that the constant negative feelings of humiliation, rejection, loneliness and failure will result in fuelling my fears and leave me even more house-bound and anxious.
Perhaps there is as way to do new things with people I feel comfortable with to help turn the new experiences into enjoyable shared memories? Maybe listening to some of my favourite music while at a new venue or reading some funny jokes could help build a positive reference?
It's a constant level of anxiety which has a big impact on the quality of my life. I feel scared at the thought of doing most things and fearful towards my future. It's a truly horrible ailment and as far as I know there is no cure.
I've tried curing myself with several different courses Anti-depressants. However these have an equally negative impact on my life via side effects so feel I can't rely on these. Benzodiazepines such as Diazepam helps me relax and sleep, but I lose my sharpness, alertness and feel tired if I take these plus they are not a long term solution due to potential for addiction. I wonder if there is a drug which will make a significant reduction to these feelings of worry and persistent tenseness in my stomach?
So far doctors I've seen have been pretty useless. When I ask for alternative treatments I often just get a "I don't know what to suggest. I guess you have to just live with it" response. CBT and conventional therapy isn't an answer for me and I think once that and 4 or 5 ADs fail, there doesn't seem to be much help.
I might see if a diet or life routine change could effect how I feel? The only thing that comes to mind which I should probably change is reducing sugar and perhaps fat in my diet. I don't eat a massive excess of bad foods, but feel I could do more to eat healthier. I'll also continue to see if there are other treatments of helping to rid myself of this.
I wondered why I feel anxious all the time? Is my body overly affected by stress hormones and neurotransmitters or perhaps it's producing such hormones too readily? It almost seems irrelevant as from what I can find, there is no sure-fire way to treat my GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).
According to scientists they believe anxiety and GAD are a combo of biological and environmental issues. Seems obvious! And so to relieve anxiety one must re-regulate imbalances in brain chemistry and changes to physical brain functioning- Regulation of serotonin, norepinephrine and gamma-aminobutyric acid in the brain can relieve anxiety. On top of that, feeling in control on one's external life plays a big part in one's mental state.
As long as I am dealing with anxiety and an increased negative response to new and unknown, or known situations, my journey through life will be a tough one. I had/have big ambitions to achieve success in various aspects of my life but am hindered by afflictions such as GAD. It is wrong to compare myself to the next man when I am at a disadvantage. Knowing I have to struggle gives me a small degree of comfort when I am not attaining the same as the next man, but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to achieve great things within my life. I have done well to achieve as much as I have despite my problems and will continue to push myself as far as I can.
One other thing I often theorize is desensitizing myself to life. The idea is to get stuck into things which scare me in an attempt to realize such things aren't so bad after all. The problems are- this can potentially be be a stressful and traumatic experience for me, so I am reluctant to put myself in a place of pain on the off chance it will be beneficial. Second, I want to experience positive references from engaging in new experiences. I could continually attempt new things I'm not prepared for, but feel that the constant negative feelings of humiliation, rejection, loneliness and failure will result in fuelling my fears and leave me even more house-bound and anxious.
Perhaps there is as way to do new things with people I feel comfortable with to help turn the new experiences into enjoyable shared memories? Maybe listening to some of my favourite music while at a new venue or reading some funny jokes could help build a positive reference?
Tuesday 21 August 2012
Why Most Self-help Books & Blog posts suck
I've read dozens of personal development and self help books. Probably close to 100 articles relating to personal growth for sites like Psychology Today. And then hundreds for forum posts, blog articles, magazine columns,videos and so on.
I love them! They can prove to be immensely insightful, interesting and sometimes inspirational. They can also be pretentious, stupid, pointless, confusing, re-hashed bullshit presented in a way which disguises it's true nature (to some people). In fact 9 out of 10 articles I read on psychology sites are watered down, pointless rubbish which doesn't really mean a lot in a practical sense. Also many self-help books and articles never address the problem they propose to be solving.
A typical example might be an article/book/video with the title "How to feel confident"
- I read that and think: "Wow, I want to feel confident!" so I check out the article... It then talks about how confident people act, the positive results one starts to gain once confident and why it's no good to act in a way which makes you less confident. Sometimes at the end of such articles there are dozens of internet user replies talking about how thankful they are to have read the article or how they feel boosted and ready to become a more confident person. I'm thinking "Wait a minute! This didn't actually explain "how" to feel confident. It just kinda skipped to the end objective and didn't lay down the path one must follow with the relevant sign posts in order to achieve such a goal". I expect practical methods of 'unstifling' one's self, flipping to a positive mind-set or maybe daily tasks one could carry out to then progress to different levels of confidence? In the end, many articles just don't have enough quality substance to them to make a lasting impact on my life.
Another thing that bugs me is how an article which leaves out detail. I'll read about an experiment which makes a conclusion without certain important variables taken into consideration. Perhaps certain variables were taken into account and the article author just neglected to mention all the facts, but either way, without all the facts it makes such articles pretty useless.
If I were to ever write a "how to" article, I want to make sure I am as detailed and comprehensive as possible and that I actually answer the hard questions in a well thought-out, intelligent way! Those are the kinda things I wanna read about.
I love them! They can prove to be immensely insightful, interesting and sometimes inspirational. They can also be pretentious, stupid, pointless, confusing, re-hashed bullshit presented in a way which disguises it's true nature (to some people). In fact 9 out of 10 articles I read on psychology sites are watered down, pointless rubbish which doesn't really mean a lot in a practical sense. Also many self-help books and articles never address the problem they propose to be solving.
A typical example might be an article/book/video with the title "How to feel confident"
- I read that and think: "Wow, I want to feel confident!" so I check out the article... It then talks about how confident people act, the positive results one starts to gain once confident and why it's no good to act in a way which makes you less confident. Sometimes at the end of such articles there are dozens of internet user replies talking about how thankful they are to have read the article or how they feel boosted and ready to become a more confident person. I'm thinking "Wait a minute! This didn't actually explain "how" to feel confident. It just kinda skipped to the end objective and didn't lay down the path one must follow with the relevant sign posts in order to achieve such a goal". I expect practical methods of 'unstifling' one's self, flipping to a positive mind-set or maybe daily tasks one could carry out to then progress to different levels of confidence? In the end, many articles just don't have enough quality substance to them to make a lasting impact on my life.
Another thing that bugs me is how an article which leaves out detail. I'll read about an experiment which makes a conclusion without certain important variables taken into consideration. Perhaps certain variables were taken into account and the article author just neglected to mention all the facts, but either way, without all the facts it makes such articles pretty useless.
If I were to ever write a "how to" article, I want to make sure I am as detailed and comprehensive as possible and that I actually answer the hard questions in a well thought-out, intelligent way! Those are the kinda things I wanna read about.
Saturday 18 August 2012
Overcoming a Fear?
Today my friend and I discussed how overcoming a fear is more than just a case of facing it.
Using the roller coaster example: Certain rides scare the shit outta me! Not in a fun way, but in a genuine terrifying, unpleasant way. During a Theme Park visit a while back I'd attempted to face my fear of riding their most scary ride. I was anxious and fearful before I got onto AND during the ride. After the roller coaster came to a stop and I got off I felt REALLY proud of my achievement of facing a huge fear. Yet it was not something I felt I'd want to go on a second time straight after, nor several years later.
Sure, rides are supposed to be scary, but I want to be able to enjoy to thrills of the ride like everyone else. However the feelings of fear totally obscure the simultaneous positive emotion I feel I should be having. I'm still scared- Facing my fear obviously did not make me realize it wasn't so bad after all like we're all taught to expect.
People might say: "You're simply just a wimp" or "you just don't like scary rides, so live accept it". But I don't want to feel restricted by irrational fears! I know the ride is totally safe and I have nothing to worry about and until I am able to deal with a safe, fun activity in a "normal" way then I am not content.
Equally, I find it terrifying to approach strangers. A few months back I did pluck up the courage to chat to someone in a bar. It was scary as hell and not an enjoyable process, but I did it and once again felt proud of the accomplishment. A week later, I did the same thing- approached some girls in a bar for a chat and once again I had a ton of anxieties and fears before, during and after the encounter. Despite having tried approaches one week and then the next, I still feel as scared (or perhaps nearly) as I did before I'd even faced the fear!
WHY?!
Firstly perhaps getting over a fear by facing it only works if it generates a positive outcome. If the roller coaster proved to be less scary or equally thrilling and fun and if the girls I chatted to showed more interest and made me happy, then things might have worked out? I dunno.
Secondly I might have done a great job at pre-programming my mind to think something is scary that it has a placebo-type effect and becomes what I expect it to?
There is one theory we discussed which might solve the problem of fears not being conquered when faced. The idea was basically constant repetition within a short time frame. In theory this would be enough to desensitize you to the fears by creating a habit in a short time gap without space to re-establish old, fearful thought patterns.
So, for example: Go on the scary ride 5 or 6 times in a row, or approach 5 or 6 strangers a day EVERY day for a week. Hopefully this will then cement the idea that it really isn't as bad as initially perceived. Cementing the idea with an intensive course of repetition is the key.
I don't know if this would work, but would love to give it a go!
The only problem (and it is a HUGE problem) is that it takes massive amounts of courage in the first place to face one's fears. And even more courage to re-face them once you've effectively proved to your brain that this really is as bad as you've imagined it might be. Once your brain has hard evidence that something is as bad as the mental image you'd initially projected, it takes a special kind of commitment to carry on and persevere despite this. It seems to me to be on par with considering putting one's own life in risk!
[Side note: For more positive thinkers/mind-sets, recovering from failure is a lot easier as is a general positive interpretation about attempting any particular situation in the first place. Developing an ability to interpret in a positive way might be a more important step than attempting to grind it out as above?]
Using the roller coaster example: Certain rides scare the shit outta me! Not in a fun way, but in a genuine terrifying, unpleasant way. During a Theme Park visit a while back I'd attempted to face my fear of riding their most scary ride. I was anxious and fearful before I got onto AND during the ride. After the roller coaster came to a stop and I got off I felt REALLY proud of my achievement of facing a huge fear. Yet it was not something I felt I'd want to go on a second time straight after, nor several years later.
Sure, rides are supposed to be scary, but I want to be able to enjoy to thrills of the ride like everyone else. However the feelings of fear totally obscure the simultaneous positive emotion I feel I should be having. I'm still scared- Facing my fear obviously did not make me realize it wasn't so bad after all like we're all taught to expect.
People might say: "You're simply just a wimp" or "you just don't like scary rides, so live accept it". But I don't want to feel restricted by irrational fears! I know the ride is totally safe and I have nothing to worry about and until I am able to deal with a safe, fun activity in a "normal" way then I am not content.
Equally, I find it terrifying to approach strangers. A few months back I did pluck up the courage to chat to someone in a bar. It was scary as hell and not an enjoyable process, but I did it and once again felt proud of the accomplishment. A week later, I did the same thing- approached some girls in a bar for a chat and once again I had a ton of anxieties and fears before, during and after the encounter. Despite having tried approaches one week and then the next, I still feel as scared (or perhaps nearly) as I did before I'd even faced the fear!
WHY?!
Firstly perhaps getting over a fear by facing it only works if it generates a positive outcome. If the roller coaster proved to be less scary or equally thrilling and fun and if the girls I chatted to showed more interest and made me happy, then things might have worked out? I dunno.
Secondly I might have done a great job at pre-programming my mind to think something is scary that it has a placebo-type effect and becomes what I expect it to?
There is one theory we discussed which might solve the problem of fears not being conquered when faced. The idea was basically constant repetition within a short time frame. In theory this would be enough to desensitize you to the fears by creating a habit in a short time gap without space to re-establish old, fearful thought patterns.
So, for example: Go on the scary ride 5 or 6 times in a row, or approach 5 or 6 strangers a day EVERY day for a week. Hopefully this will then cement the idea that it really isn't as bad as initially perceived. Cementing the idea with an intensive course of repetition is the key.
I don't know if this would work, but would love to give it a go!
The only problem (and it is a HUGE problem) is that it takes massive amounts of courage in the first place to face one's fears. And even more courage to re-face them once you've effectively proved to your brain that this really is as bad as you've imagined it might be. Once your brain has hard evidence that something is as bad as the mental image you'd initially projected, it takes a special kind of commitment to carry on and persevere despite this. It seems to me to be on par with considering putting one's own life in risk!
[Side note: For more positive thinkers/mind-sets, recovering from failure is a lot easier as is a general positive interpretation about attempting any particular situation in the first place. Developing an ability to interpret in a positive way might be a more important step than attempting to grind it out as above?]
Thursday 16 August 2012
Winning the Shame Game
Kill shame-inducing situations before they become a threat, advises
David Allyn, Ph.D., a Harvard-trained social scientist and visiting
scholar at Columbia University's Institute for Social and Economic
Research and Policy. His book, I Can't Believe I Just Did That, includes a few pointers:
- Be on time. Punctuality creates self-discipline and impresses both others and yourself. It's a healthy habit that keeps you calm about the clock.
- Stick to the facts. You're bound to get caught lying, so why bother? Lies just set you up with unnecessary opportunities to feel ashamed.
- Cut the gossip. Comments made behind your back sting, and don't forget how you feel about those who talked about you. Focus on deep, meaningful talk where every conversation can be a chance to realize a dream or accomplish an aim.
- Keep your word. It feels good to be considered reliable, so honor your word no matter what the reasons are for disregarding them. Remember, a promise is a promise.
Stop giving a shit what other people think!!!
The goal:
Do not give a damn what anyone thinks about you
The obstacle:
Feeling automatically scrutinized and self esteem feels under threat whenever out in public
The solution:
Get out of your head
How:
This is the tough part- how can I not think about myself? How can I stop an automatic habit of needing to be conscious of how I'm projecting myself? Can I stop scanning for evidence to support fears that I am a useless, pathetic person, ugly, worthless (or not)? Can I not worry that I will hurt people by saying the wrong thing or make myself look stupid and valueless?
Idea #1
Find a new way to channel my mental energies. Instead of concentrating on how I am being/acting/coming across and what I'm thinking, really think hard about what I want and what I can do or say to make my experience of any given situation and life in general more enjoyable or productive.
Idea #2
Ditch fears. Remind myself that doing whatever I do, (even if it means walking around naked or saying what's on my mind) will not kill me! As long as I'm not rude, offensive or hurting anyone, it is unlikely that something bad will happy and NO ONE has the right to criticise. If they do, then realize that they are effectively saying "I'm an idiot scum bag and I'm going to make you feel bad to make myself feel good"- How ridiculous it would be for me to value the wrong, uneducated opinion of a scum bag stranger over intelligent, genuine people who aren't criticising arse holes!
Training myself out of this 'in my own head' habit will take A LOT of work if indeed it is possible.
Do not give a damn what anyone thinks about you
The obstacle:
Feeling automatically scrutinized and self esteem feels under threat whenever out in public
The solution:
Get out of your head
How:
This is the tough part- how can I not think about myself? How can I stop an automatic habit of needing to be conscious of how I'm projecting myself? Can I stop scanning for evidence to support fears that I am a useless, pathetic person, ugly, worthless (or not)? Can I not worry that I will hurt people by saying the wrong thing or make myself look stupid and valueless?
Idea #1
Find a new way to channel my mental energies. Instead of concentrating on how I am being/acting/coming across and what I'm thinking, really think hard about what I want and what I can do or say to make my experience of any given situation and life in general more enjoyable or productive.
Idea #2
Ditch fears. Remind myself that doing whatever I do, (even if it means walking around naked or saying what's on my mind) will not kill me! As long as I'm not rude, offensive or hurting anyone, it is unlikely that something bad will happy and NO ONE has the right to criticise. If they do, then realize that they are effectively saying "I'm an idiot scum bag and I'm going to make you feel bad to make myself feel good"- How ridiculous it would be for me to value the wrong, uneducated opinion of a scum bag stranger over intelligent, genuine people who aren't criticising arse holes!
Training myself out of this 'in my own head' habit will take A LOT of work if indeed it is possible.
Sunday 12 August 2012
Sex Tips from Rock Stars
In a Men's Health article I checked out on the subject, they mentioned a few points which are always good reminders of how to present yourself in a more appealing way. I don't care about sex tips, but personal development is always good:
- When in groups, try moving around the room and interacting with as many people as possible. When you speak, vary the pace of your voice from upbeat to slow, and deliver all your words with emphasis. Be controversial, counter-intuitive, emotional and fluent.
- Recent research found that confident people keep an open posture with their hands apart and away from their face.
- Rock stars are unattainable. Create that exclusivity by having somewhere else to be and making your time with her feel limited.
- Guys hunt for women in packs. Women don’t often find that appealing. It’s usually the guy who shows he’s willing to break away who makes the most progress.” Rock legend dictates as much. The successful womaniser breaks away from the entourage, making himself more ‘vulnerable’ by introducing himself to strangers. “You become a much safer proposition,”
- These are men who stand out: the guy who asks questions during lectures, scores multiple strikes at the bowling alley or takes risks in the boardroom. Find the thing that marks you out – and push it.
- In a social context, movement is very important. Using expansive arm gestures is a way of getting noticed. Pour cocktails at a party, hail taxis and throw your hands up at gigs.
- Adopt characteristics that women find attractive: attentiveness, empathy and listening skills [Side note: this is something I've worked on a lot and feel very good at]
- Don’t plan a date for after a heavy workout. Cambridge University found high testosterone reduces your capacity for empathy.
- Try to look young and youthful- groom yourself (including downstairs)
- Up your intake of vitamin C. It can prevent the ageing effects of long-term sun exposure, says the University of Maryland.
Friday 6 July 2012
Physical Transformation
Workouts:
I've been going back to the gym for just over two months now. The goal is to put on 1.5 stone (21 pounds) of muscle mass. It's achievable despite my natural ectomorphic physique, but will take lot of work.
So far I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and over two months put on 5 pounds. I'm happy with that. Although have actually lost 1 pound over the last two weeks.
Last year I was trying to do the same thing - bulking up and put on 10 pounds in two months, although was attending the gym an extra 1-2 times a week.
I feel I am pushing myself pretty well and the fact I'm always obtaining sore muscle groups after workouts shows this. My routine is pretty good, my lifting form isn't bad and I know to mix things up to stimulate new growth etc. I'm stretching and resting sufficiently between sets and drinking water throughout.
Diet-wise:
I make sure to start the day with breakfast - cereal, a protein supplement, a small carb supplement and 4-5g of Creatine. Sometimes I get a bannana, sandwich or burger in before my session, which seems to give me a little more energy.
I make sure to have a protein supplement straight after my workout within 15 minutes of finishing.
I'm conscious of not going too made with fat and sugar intake, although feel happy to eat take aways most days, knowing I need to calories.
I'm also conscious of needing to up my protein intake, which was between 100g-180g per day last time I recorded it for a week.
Calorie intake was 2500-3000 kcal per day last time I recorded it for a week. Might be averaging a little less at the moment?
I take Omega 3 and vitamin supplements in addition.
Conclusion:
I'm working hard with my workouts! Pushing myself hard and noticing my strength is increasing back up to the level I was at last year. My body looks little better than a did a few month prior, although it's not majorly noticeable as yet.
Working out is tough- It takes a lot out of me, is making my feel tired a lot and at times quite stressful. It requires a lot of consideration towards work out times, rest days, diet plan and eating times.
I feel ok to continue pretty much what I'm doing for months to come. I've got a gym membership to pay until May 2013! Although would find it VERY difficult to maintain if I had a full time job and other commitments to deal with as well.
Hopefully I will put on AT LEAST another 5 pounds by September and get up to 13 stone, although with more effort (if possible to maintain) I feel I could reach my 13.5 stone goal by then! After which, a session or two per week will do me just to maintain my physique.
I might consider a more strict bulking and cutting approach, but will see how it goes.
I could improve it by:
Doing one-two 1 hour cardio sessions in between. I go for walks and play table tennis which probably counts towards one session, but they don't get my heart pounding and skin sweating like a rowing or cross training machine would. This wouldn't help put on the pounds, but might melt some fat and make me look more toned.
Increase my protein uptake to a 150g minimum and 210g maximum, rather than the current 100g min and 180g max. So buy and eat more chicken, fish etc.
Increase my calorie intake to a consistent 2750 kcal minimum. And increase the carb intake pre-workout for energy and post workout for recovery.
Mix up my sets, reps and speed more. So less 3 sets of 10 reps and try 4x8 or 5x5, super slow decent speeds and power burst reps.
Do 3-4 sets of push ups, dips, lunges or small isolated weights like wrist curls, lateral raises at home in-between work out days.
I've been going back to the gym for just over two months now. The goal is to put on 1.5 stone (21 pounds) of muscle mass. It's achievable despite my natural ectomorphic physique, but will take lot of work.
So far I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and over two months put on 5 pounds. I'm happy with that. Although have actually lost 1 pound over the last two weeks.
Last year I was trying to do the same thing - bulking up and put on 10 pounds in two months, although was attending the gym an extra 1-2 times a week.
I feel I am pushing myself pretty well and the fact I'm always obtaining sore muscle groups after workouts shows this. My routine is pretty good, my lifting form isn't bad and I know to mix things up to stimulate new growth etc. I'm stretching and resting sufficiently between sets and drinking water throughout.
Diet-wise:
I make sure to start the day with breakfast - cereal, a protein supplement, a small carb supplement and 4-5g of Creatine. Sometimes I get a bannana, sandwich or burger in before my session, which seems to give me a little more energy.
I make sure to have a protein supplement straight after my workout within 15 minutes of finishing.
I'm conscious of not going too made with fat and sugar intake, although feel happy to eat take aways most days, knowing I need to calories.
I'm also conscious of needing to up my protein intake, which was between 100g-180g per day last time I recorded it for a week.
Calorie intake was 2500-3000 kcal per day last time I recorded it for a week. Might be averaging a little less at the moment?
I take Omega 3 and vitamin supplements in addition.
Conclusion:
I'm working hard with my workouts! Pushing myself hard and noticing my strength is increasing back up to the level I was at last year. My body looks little better than a did a few month prior, although it's not majorly noticeable as yet.
Working out is tough- It takes a lot out of me, is making my feel tired a lot and at times quite stressful. It requires a lot of consideration towards work out times, rest days, diet plan and eating times.
I feel ok to continue pretty much what I'm doing for months to come. I've got a gym membership to pay until May 2013! Although would find it VERY difficult to maintain if I had a full time job and other commitments to deal with as well.
Hopefully I will put on AT LEAST another 5 pounds by September and get up to 13 stone, although with more effort (if possible to maintain) I feel I could reach my 13.5 stone goal by then! After which, a session or two per week will do me just to maintain my physique.
I might consider a more strict bulking and cutting approach, but will see how it goes.
I could improve it by:
Doing one-two 1 hour cardio sessions in between. I go for walks and play table tennis which probably counts towards one session, but they don't get my heart pounding and skin sweating like a rowing or cross training machine would. This wouldn't help put on the pounds, but might melt some fat and make me look more toned.
Increase my protein uptake to a 150g minimum and 210g maximum, rather than the current 100g min and 180g max. So buy and eat more chicken, fish etc.
Increase my calorie intake to a consistent 2750 kcal minimum. And increase the carb intake pre-workout for energy and post workout for recovery.
Mix up my sets, reps and speed more. So less 3 sets of 10 reps and try 4x8 or 5x5, super slow decent speeds and power burst reps.
Do 3-4 sets of push ups, dips, lunges or small isolated weights like wrist curls, lateral raises at home in-between work out days.
Friday 29 June 2012
Stress Sensitivity and getting in 'State'
Terminology for my "condition"
I had previously thought my personality and those similar to me could be described as "INTJs (see MBTI) with low 'emotional stability' (see Global Big 5)". However the term "Emotional Stability" doesn't seem to fit. I feel as though I have my emotions in check and perhaps even better than a lot of 'normal' people. Instead I would consider that 'Sensitivity to Stress' is a better lable and indicator when assessing my, or anyone else's personality, amongst several other key factors.
Stress
The fact I often feel stuck, anxious and fearful of future and at times present situations, doesn't seem typical of most people I observe in my day to day life and have recently made a conscious effort to compare and consider this. One very probable reason I suffer in my day to day life and one thing that holds me back despite a fair degree of intelligence and wealth of self help knowledge is high sensitivity to stress. Everyone gets a little nervous when meeting someone new, performing in activities, taking small risks or initiative at work, but for me this feeling seems to be amplified A LOT!
Having lived as me my whole life, it's difficult to realize if I am over-reactiving to stimuli due to a form of stupidity, irrational thoughts, from possessing a weak character, OR, more likely, something completely out of my control. Although there's no way to know for sure unless I could literally experience someone else's existence, or perhaps have an MRI scan and accompanied analysis. I am starting to realize that I don't have the amount of success financially, in relationships, with my art and hobbies, or even sports I deserve and could be capable of due to FUCKING HUGE set backs totally out of my control!
I'm not trying to make excuses and analyse myself objectively. It's not laziness, lack imagination or know-how which often hinders my progress to success and growth, but an ever present fear and elevated stress levels due to my largely uncontrollable physiology.
Being "In State", at ease, chilled, relaxed, primed for optimistic thought:
Over the last few months I've noticed several short periods where I would feel different- the super intense stress and apprehension leaves me. I'm not thinking about my: future, performance, inadequateness and am just being 'me'! I feel a degree of freedom, enjoyment and happiness I seldom recognise. Examples would be driving to see a friend in London with my favourite tunes playing in the car, wandering around a shopping mall on my own and trying on clothes, or initial worries of going somewhere unfamiliar melting away- when I'd go to a busy barbers to get a hair cut and also then stand outside with a drink watching unaware people go about their little lives while I wait to be seen. I imagine this may be how most 'normal' people I've observed live their lives constantly (or at least most of the time).
I would FUCKING LOVE to experience this care-free, excited, optimistic, can-do attitude and state of mind more often, but it really is a rarity and have been unable to find something consistently effective in putting me into such a state and especially if I'm in a negative thought spiral/loop.
So far I have discovered what I currently call "the fuel of hope"- it's a short term influence which can get me into State or help me towards it. However, the influence loses it's power the more it's tapped into and like fuel, it's eventually spent. Examples would be the first time I heard an inspiring Anthony Robins talk or a Real Social Dynamics lecture. Amazing music, art, movies and comedy can have a small impact also. Finding truly inspirational material or people isn't easy, but I will always keep an eye out in the interim while I search for a way of developing a more permanent, deep-level positive and free State.
To summarize this post:
I believe I am more stress sensitive than the average man. Why? Can this be changed? Can I learn new ways to cope with my affliction? I don't know the answers.
I have experienced a more care free, enjoyable state of mind in the past. I want to experience this more often and aim to relinquish many automatic worries and fears in time. Inspirational 'fuel' can do this, but perhaps there are other drastic ways to make lasting positive changes?
I had previously thought my personality and those similar to me could be described as "INTJs (see MBTI) with low 'emotional stability' (see Global Big 5)". However the term "Emotional Stability" doesn't seem to fit. I feel as though I have my emotions in check and perhaps even better than a lot of 'normal' people. Instead I would consider that 'Sensitivity to Stress' is a better lable and indicator when assessing my, or anyone else's personality, amongst several other key factors.
Stress
The fact I often feel stuck, anxious and fearful of future and at times present situations, doesn't seem typical of most people I observe in my day to day life and have recently made a conscious effort to compare and consider this. One very probable reason I suffer in my day to day life and one thing that holds me back despite a fair degree of intelligence and wealth of self help knowledge is high sensitivity to stress. Everyone gets a little nervous when meeting someone new, performing in activities, taking small risks or initiative at work, but for me this feeling seems to be amplified A LOT!
Having lived as me my whole life, it's difficult to realize if I am over-reactiving to stimuli due to a form of stupidity, irrational thoughts, from possessing a weak character, OR, more likely, something completely out of my control. Although there's no way to know for sure unless I could literally experience someone else's existence, or perhaps have an MRI scan and accompanied analysis. I am starting to realize that I don't have the amount of success financially, in relationships, with my art and hobbies, or even sports I deserve and could be capable of due to FUCKING HUGE set backs totally out of my control!
I'm not trying to make excuses and analyse myself objectively. It's not laziness, lack imagination or know-how which often hinders my progress to success and growth, but an ever present fear and elevated stress levels due to my largely uncontrollable physiology.
Being "In State", at ease, chilled, relaxed, primed for optimistic thought:
Over the last few months I've noticed several short periods where I would feel different- the super intense stress and apprehension leaves me. I'm not thinking about my: future, performance, inadequateness and am just being 'me'! I feel a degree of freedom, enjoyment and happiness I seldom recognise. Examples would be driving to see a friend in London with my favourite tunes playing in the car, wandering around a shopping mall on my own and trying on clothes, or initial worries of going somewhere unfamiliar melting away- when I'd go to a busy barbers to get a hair cut and also then stand outside with a drink watching unaware people go about their little lives while I wait to be seen. I imagine this may be how most 'normal' people I've observed live their lives constantly (or at least most of the time).
I would FUCKING LOVE to experience this care-free, excited, optimistic, can-do attitude and state of mind more often, but it really is a rarity and have been unable to find something consistently effective in putting me into such a state and especially if I'm in a negative thought spiral/loop.
So far I have discovered what I currently call "the fuel of hope"- it's a short term influence which can get me into State or help me towards it. However, the influence loses it's power the more it's tapped into and like fuel, it's eventually spent. Examples would be the first time I heard an inspiring Anthony Robins talk or a Real Social Dynamics lecture. Amazing music, art, movies and comedy can have a small impact also. Finding truly inspirational material or people isn't easy, but I will always keep an eye out in the interim while I search for a way of developing a more permanent, deep-level positive and free State.
To summarize this post:
I believe I am more stress sensitive than the average man. Why? Can this be changed? Can I learn new ways to cope with my affliction? I don't know the answers.
I have experienced a more care free, enjoyable state of mind in the past. I want to experience this more often and aim to relinquish many automatic worries and fears in time. Inspirational 'fuel' can do this, but perhaps there are other drastic ways to make lasting positive changes?
Saturday 28 April 2012
Meeting More Ladies off the internet!
Meeting people is never a bad thing as I'm always looking to gain experience in social situations with different types of people and hopefully improve my confidence.
I've now probably met dozens of people through the net- many of which are girls through dating sites and have been quite lucky to have had these experiences compared to my parent's generation where there was no internet, or technophobes who don't want to or think about using the net to meet people in real life.
O:
I've now probably met dozens of people through the net- many of which are girls through dating sites and have been quite lucky to have had these experiences compared to my parent's generation where there was no internet, or technophobes who don't want to or think about using the net to meet people in real life.
For
someone who spends most of this days indoors and shying away from anything
remotely out of the ordinary, I first wish to congratulate myself for getting
out, going to Hayes and meeting a very different type of girl.
O:
Ironically, O’s not very typical of most Japanese I’m familiar with- very outgoing and
impolite at times though extroverted ignorance.
Physically
she was a big disappointment when I saw her in the flesh compared to her photo. Yet there is something sexy about her and can’t
put my finger on it. Perhaps her outgoing personality or asian/exotic looks?
Style-wise,
I’ve seen worse, but I wasn’t impressed. Particularly at the fact she wore no
make-up and a stained pair of tights! I made a lot of effort to wear nice
things, clean my shoes and style my hair, so was gutted she hadn’t presented
herself better. Apparently she’s into platform heels! Woulda loved to see her
in some! Lol
The good
thing is, she’s bright, fun, light hearted and up-beat. In one way her
extroverted ignorance is good because she can’t read my inner insecurities.
Hanging around with someone like that would probably do me good to balance me
out and learn to effectively communicate with a different type.
Other than
being incapable of appreciating her thinking and vice versa, her 'ESTP'
abruptness and spontaneous outbursts are annoying and at times hurtful, even
though I know she doesn’t mean to do it. She’s pretty inconsiderate and that’s
totally not what I need from a relationship when I’m so insecure and self
conscious. Because of her inconsiderate nature, she’s a pretty poor
communicator despite the confidence.
Because
she’s a do-er and very busy, she’s taken A LOT of action and got good at a lot
of things- pro level at sports, music, business, languages and even winning at
gambling, making money! It’s SERIOUSLY intimidating and makes me feel like a
failure in comparison. What can I do- draw a half decent picture when I put my
mind to it?
From her, and previous dates I learned:
- That I value style and making an effort with one's appearance- especially in women.
- Femininity is important to me and anything that accentuates and outwardly expresses this is cool/sexy - make up, dresses, heels, hand bags, long hair.
- However, I dislike girlie attitudes and am MASSIVELY into hot, sexy, feminine girls who love geeky male stuff like video games and scifi, despite such girls being exceptionally rare!
- I am a great listener, great at making people feel comfortable, have a decent set of social skills and am very considerate, kind and emotionally giving as a person.
- I am not like many of these girl's ex boyfriend who are described as narcissistic, aggressive, arseholes!
- Some personalities don't like deep chats, so don't bother so just keep these people as peripheral friends.
- I would often make a better boyfriend than they would a girlfriend.
- I feel I come across and behave A LOT better than how I think I will be like beforehand.
- I need to chill out, be in the moment and concentrate on fun more
Sunday 15 April 2012
Become happy by assigning unhappy things a positive value
This was posted on the INTJ forum by a guy who'd suffered long term depression and is now happy most of the time. It was a way of stripping things back and looking at things in a new way which made sense to me:
"Let's delve into what is, and what is not. When we're talking about what is positive, and what is negative, we're referring to something's value to us. We define positive as things we prefer, and negative as things we do not prefer. But to prefer is not an objective observation. An objective observer must remain neutral, and therefore an objective observer is incapable of preferring anything, and therefore also incapable of making value statements. Value is therefore subjective. So, what is value? Value refers to utility - usefulness. If something is useful to us, then it has value. Otherwise, it has no value. So, we've concluded that value is subjective, and refers to how useful something is to us. But what is usefulness? It is anything we can make use of. And whether we can make use of something, or not, is only limited by imagination. So, when something negative happens to you, it must therefore first be seen as something that is not useful to you (decision), therefore has no value or negative value (decision) and hence is baaaad. However, if you allow yourself to see the use of something, then it becomes useful to you - therefore it has value, and therefore it's positive.
So when you're fired, there is no objective value connected to the event (it cannot have one, because if it does, it is not objective), the subjective utility of the event is created through what we imagine we can use the event for. If you imagine it as something that retracts from your resources, then it will be assigned a negative value (low usefulness). If you imagine it as something that frees you from responsibility and allow you to find a new and better job, then it will be assigned a positive value (high usefulness). And here comes the crescendo - if usefulness is subjective, and you are the one assigning things their value, and it lies within your power to assign it usefulness, or unusefulness, and the former will make you happy and the latter will make you unhappy, the following question will then be asked;
If there's no objective value, and you alone decide how valuable an event is to you, then what possible rational reason could you have to assign something a value that does not make you happy?"
Therefore to consciously reinterpret negative events by assigning a positive value= happiness.
The Original Poster went on to stipulate that turning an assigned value into an automatic positive thought takes practice and repetition. Very important in strengthen those neural pathways of habit!
Unhappiness and negative thinking isn't all bad as it tells us there's something not right which needs attention so that it can be changed or learned from, but when negativity is having too much control over one's life, then assigning a new value seems like the way to go.
Thankfully I have matured and questioned certain things in life over the years which has made a positive benefit on my life. Rather than running on auto pilot without realizing it like many people, I decided it would be beneficial to instead learn what drives different people and trying to understand other's interpretation of the world. Doing so makes me more accepting of alternative opinions, where as I used to just think people were ignorant idiots if they didn't share my views- Sometimes, they still are! But at least that's not a knee jerk reaction I have now. Even stuff like getting dumped by women doesn't seem so bad- I used to think 'I'm a nice guy, why me!?' then hold a load of resentment towards these women for dumping me. Now I realize that it was never anything personal- I just wasn't meeting their needs or sharing their values and if value is subjective to each individual, how can I take it personally? In other words, in a long-winded, round-about way, I've come to my own conclusion that one person's trash is another's treasure. This makes me feel less negative towards myself and others, which is great!
However, I am still guilty of having certain set standards and opinions about things which haven't changed for years, if ever! Let's use drawing as an example. What happens is, I don't value: the process of drawing and being creative, the learning journey of tackling and overcoming tricky angles or shading or achievement in attempting to be productive and all I do value is achieving an expert end result. While this drives me to improve, it equally hinders me be creating negative feelings of failure if I don't consistently produce an expert result with ease, therefore to avoid such feelings, I don't practice and then don't improve. And then I feel shit for being bad at drawing! In this example, at least I know what my brain is thinking. I just need to assign new value to the process and less value to achieving a consistent expert result.
"Let's delve into what is, and what is not. When we're talking about what is positive, and what is negative, we're referring to something's value to us. We define positive as things we prefer, and negative as things we do not prefer. But to prefer is not an objective observation. An objective observer must remain neutral, and therefore an objective observer is incapable of preferring anything, and therefore also incapable of making value statements. Value is therefore subjective. So, what is value? Value refers to utility - usefulness. If something is useful to us, then it has value. Otherwise, it has no value. So, we've concluded that value is subjective, and refers to how useful something is to us. But what is usefulness? It is anything we can make use of. And whether we can make use of something, or not, is only limited by imagination. So, when something negative happens to you, it must therefore first be seen as something that is not useful to you (decision), therefore has no value or negative value (decision) and hence is baaaad. However, if you allow yourself to see the use of something, then it becomes useful to you - therefore it has value, and therefore it's positive.
So when you're fired, there is no objective value connected to the event (it cannot have one, because if it does, it is not objective), the subjective utility of the event is created through what we imagine we can use the event for. If you imagine it as something that retracts from your resources, then it will be assigned a negative value (low usefulness). If you imagine it as something that frees you from responsibility and allow you to find a new and better job, then it will be assigned a positive value (high usefulness). And here comes the crescendo - if usefulness is subjective, and you are the one assigning things their value, and it lies within your power to assign it usefulness, or unusefulness, and the former will make you happy and the latter will make you unhappy, the following question will then be asked;
If there's no objective value, and you alone decide how valuable an event is to you, then what possible rational reason could you have to assign something a value that does not make you happy?"
Therefore to consciously reinterpret negative events by assigning a positive value= happiness.
The Original Poster went on to stipulate that turning an assigned value into an automatic positive thought takes practice and repetition. Very important in strengthen those neural pathways of habit!
Unhappiness and negative thinking isn't all bad as it tells us there's something not right which needs attention so that it can be changed or learned from, but when negativity is having too much control over one's life, then assigning a new value seems like the way to go.
Thankfully I have matured and questioned certain things in life over the years which has made a positive benefit on my life. Rather than running on auto pilot without realizing it like many people, I decided it would be beneficial to instead learn what drives different people and trying to understand other's interpretation of the world. Doing so makes me more accepting of alternative opinions, where as I used to just think people were ignorant idiots if they didn't share my views- Sometimes, they still are! But at least that's not a knee jerk reaction I have now. Even stuff like getting dumped by women doesn't seem so bad- I used to think 'I'm a nice guy, why me!?' then hold a load of resentment towards these women for dumping me. Now I realize that it was never anything personal- I just wasn't meeting their needs or sharing their values and if value is subjective to each individual, how can I take it personally? In other words, in a long-winded, round-about way, I've come to my own conclusion that one person's trash is another's treasure. This makes me feel less negative towards myself and others, which is great!
However, I am still guilty of having certain set standards and opinions about things which haven't changed for years, if ever! Let's use drawing as an example. What happens is, I don't value: the process of drawing and being creative, the learning journey of tackling and overcoming tricky angles or shading or achievement in attempting to be productive and all I do value is achieving an expert end result. While this drives me to improve, it equally hinders me be creating negative feelings of failure if I don't consistently produce an expert result with ease, therefore to avoid such feelings, I don't practice and then don't improve. And then I feel shit for being bad at drawing! In this example, at least I know what my brain is thinking. I just need to assign new value to the process and less value to achieving a consistent expert result.
Tuesday 3 April 2012
Japanese Culture provides insights
I've been in a fan of Japan and it's culture for years. It's absolutely fascinating to me. I'm, half way through watching the series 'Welcome to the NHK'- an anime about the life of a 'Hikikomori' (social recluse) and 'NEET' (unemployed school leaver) called Tatsuhiro Satō. Not only is it a great stand-alone anime story and production, but I found myself totally able to relate and it made me realize I was also a Hikikomori. I isolate myself from society relying on income from parents or welfare, feeling unable to integrate into what society expects of me. It's a term used widely in Japan, and is similar to AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder).
Not something to be proud of, but knowing there are millions of people in the same situation provides a degree of comfort. It's easy for others to call people like this lazy losers, but personally speaking I don't choose to be like this. I don't want to experience so much social anxiety, negative thinking and feel the need to have to withdraw and not be able to function in the 'real world'.
I also recognise the Japanese term 'Parasite Single'- a single man (or woman) who's still living with and becomes dependant on his parent's beyond their late 20s in order to live a comfortable and less stressful life.
I wonder how one can cure themselves of these conditions/lifestyle habits?
Not something to be proud of, but knowing there are millions of people in the same situation provides a degree of comfort. It's easy for others to call people like this lazy losers, but personally speaking I don't choose to be like this. I don't want to experience so much social anxiety, negative thinking and feel the need to have to withdraw and not be able to function in the 'real world'.
I also recognise the Japanese term 'Parasite Single'- a single man (or woman) who's still living with and becomes dependant on his parent's beyond their late 20s in order to live a comfortable and less stressful life.
I wonder how one can cure themselves of these conditions/lifestyle habits?
Monday 2 April 2012
Big 5 / OCEAN Personality test update
Took another test on a different site and my results are as follows:
What aspects of personality does this tell me about?
There has been much research on how people describe others, and five major dimensions of human personality have been found. They are often referred to as the OCEAN model of personality, because of the acronym from the names of the five dimensions.
What do the scores tell me?
In order to provide you with a meaningful comparison, the scores you received have been converted to "percentile scores." This means that your personality score can be directly compared to another group of people who have also taken this personality test.The percentile scores show you where you score on the five personality dimensions relative to the comparison sample of other people who have taken this test on-line. In other words, your percentile scores indicate the percentage of people who score less than you on each dimension. For example, your Extraversion percentile score is 12, which means that about 12 percent of the people in our comparison sample are less extraverted than you -- in other words, you are rather introverted. Keep in mind that these percentile scores are relative to our particular sample of people. Thus, your percentile scores may differ if you were compared to another sample (e.g., elderly British people).
I'm a O65-C74-E12-A22-N66 Big Five
My thoughts:
Seems pretty accurate. I would say I am original, creative, curious, complex as I'm also an INTJ on the MBTI and an artist, so not totally sure I agree with the score on that? The fact that I am not perhaps as 'open' to trying new experiences is due to the more powerful neurotic trait? Same goes for why I'm 'introverted' and why I'm 'conscientious'- I do a good job because if not I worry I'll get sacked or moaned at etc.
The "Disagreeable" factor is interesting.
I've often said if I were to ever date a girl, she would HAVE TO either share the same values or be very adaptable.
The fact the test proves I'm quite critical of differences by being a disagreeable personality says a lot and explains this opinion. Perhaps as well, the fact I am disagreeable makes it difficult to accept other's opinions, other ways of doing things, and thus I have a much harder time in trying to achieve my goals of transforming my life? I don't want to make excuses or use it as a reason to give up, but it does explain a few things.
I wonder if one can change such personality types and to what degree?
What aspects of personality does this tell me about?
There has been much research on how people describe others, and five major dimensions of human personality have been found. They are often referred to as the OCEAN model of personality, because of the acronym from the names of the five dimensions.
| Openness to Experience/Intellect | |||
| High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative. | |||
   | You are relatively open to new experiences. | ( | |
| Conscientiousness | |||
| High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent. | |||
| You are well-organized, and are reliable. | ( | |
| Extraversion | |||
| High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet. | |||
| You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone. | ( | |
| Agreeableness | |||
| High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous. | |||
| You find it easy to express irritation with others. | ( | |
| Neuroticism | |||
| High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy. | |||
| You tend to become anxious or nervous. | ( | |
What do the scores tell me?
In order to provide you with a meaningful comparison, the scores you received have been converted to "percentile scores." This means that your personality score can be directly compared to another group of people who have also taken this personality test.The percentile scores show you where you score on the five personality dimensions relative to the comparison sample of other people who have taken this test on-line. In other words, your percentile scores indicate the percentage of people who score less than you on each dimension. For example, your Extraversion percentile score is 12, which means that about 12 percent of the people in our comparison sample are less extraverted than you -- in other words, you are rather introverted. Keep in mind that these percentile scores are relative to our particular sample of people. Thus, your percentile scores may differ if you were compared to another sample (e.g., elderly British people).
I'm a O65-C74-E12-A22-N66 Big Five
My thoughts:
Seems pretty accurate. I would say I am original, creative, curious, complex as I'm also an INTJ on the MBTI and an artist, so not totally sure I agree with the score on that? The fact that I am not perhaps as 'open' to trying new experiences is due to the more powerful neurotic trait? Same goes for why I'm 'introverted' and why I'm 'conscientious'- I do a good job because if not I worry I'll get sacked or moaned at etc.
The "Disagreeable" factor is interesting.
I've often said if I were to ever date a girl, she would HAVE TO either share the same values or be very adaptable.
The fact the test proves I'm quite critical of differences by being a disagreeable personality says a lot and explains this opinion. Perhaps as well, the fact I am disagreeable makes it difficult to accept other's opinions, other ways of doing things, and thus I have a much harder time in trying to achieve my goals of transforming my life? I don't want to make excuses or use it as a reason to give up, but it does explain a few things.
I wonder if one can change such personality types and to what degree?
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Possible breakthrough for delivering effective therapy
I ask myself how come I struggled to find a counsellor, therapist or mental health professional who could understand my problems and deliver an effective, lasting treatment which I felt really helped ME?
[First read about MBTI and Big 5]
I'm noticing the difference between happy INTJs and unhappy ones seems to come down to their Big 5 Emotional stability score. I believe the correlation between these results identifies a very specific sub group of individuals who will all experience very similar problems in life and I begin wondering if there is a specific method for helping these types of INTJs to feel happy and deal with problems? Psychology based therapy generally seems to use a "one size fits all" approach, and I've not heard of treatments which are determined and tailored by assessing a combined MBTI and Big 5 score. At this moment, I believe constructing a treatment model with this in mind could make a big difference in how effective therapy and help is to certain individuals.
Currently most therapists assess patients with mood rating tests and leave it at that. Sure- that shows how depressed or anxious someone is, or even filter out issues like compulsive behaviour, but they do not then seem to have a method for treating different personalities from the start, and instead attempt to use a universal rule for treating each patient, or try to figure out how that patient thinks over several sessions, which could be a waste of time and resources. Even after several sessions, that doesn't mean a therapist would have figured out their patient's personality, or even know what to do to specifically treat their personality type. I don't have the answers for treatments for different types, or even my own, but I have learned that people with my personality type will not feel comfortable with someone who can not comprehend our way of thinking, seeing the world and communicating. I wonder if this contributes to why therapy is not always effective and perhaps such assessments could lay the ground work for generally delivering an improved and more efficient mental health service?
Basically- how about treating patients after first assessing their general personality type and using a specific structure of treatment for that type?
If only a psychology team in a hospital could research my idea further to check it's valid, work out different therapy strategies for the different personality types and then trial this assessment method to see if it had a positive impact.
There may still be a universal rule which would effectively treat nearly all different personality types in one hit, but certainly such a therapy method does not seem to be recognised and used on a wide scale as far am I know. I was informed that a certain scientific test (I'm unable to cite a reference now) proved that a psychotherapist's treatment is as effective OR LESS than a typical housewife with no experience in psychology and treating patients.
I'll write more about Anthony Robbins later, but as an example, I believe if the NHS were to treat patients by investing in one his seminars filled with 1000 patients suffering with depression, mood problems, negativity etc, it would be more effective than a dozen individual therapy sessions for each patient. Something needs to change with the current mental health service BIG TIME, that's for sure!
[First read about MBTI and Big 5]
I'm noticing the difference between happy INTJs and unhappy ones seems to come down to their Big 5 Emotional stability score. I believe the correlation between these results identifies a very specific sub group of individuals who will all experience very similar problems in life and I begin wondering if there is a specific method for helping these types of INTJs to feel happy and deal with problems? Psychology based therapy generally seems to use a "one size fits all" approach, and I've not heard of treatments which are determined and tailored by assessing a combined MBTI and Big 5 score. At this moment, I believe constructing a treatment model with this in mind could make a big difference in how effective therapy and help is to certain individuals.
Currently most therapists assess patients with mood rating tests and leave it at that. Sure- that shows how depressed or anxious someone is, or even filter out issues like compulsive behaviour, but they do not then seem to have a method for treating different personalities from the start, and instead attempt to use a universal rule for treating each patient, or try to figure out how that patient thinks over several sessions, which could be a waste of time and resources. Even after several sessions, that doesn't mean a therapist would have figured out their patient's personality, or even know what to do to specifically treat their personality type. I don't have the answers for treatments for different types, or even my own, but I have learned that people with my personality type will not feel comfortable with someone who can not comprehend our way of thinking, seeing the world and communicating. I wonder if this contributes to why therapy is not always effective and perhaps such assessments could lay the ground work for generally delivering an improved and more efficient mental health service?
Basically- how about treating patients after first assessing their general personality type and using a specific structure of treatment for that type?
If only a psychology team in a hospital could research my idea further to check it's valid, work out different therapy strategies for the different personality types and then trial this assessment method to see if it had a positive impact.
There may still be a universal rule which would effectively treat nearly all different personality types in one hit, but certainly such a therapy method does not seem to be recognised and used on a wide scale as far am I know. I was informed that a certain scientific test (I'm unable to cite a reference now) proved that a psychotherapist's treatment is as effective OR LESS than a typical housewife with no experience in psychology and treating patients.
I'll write more about Anthony Robbins later, but as an example, I believe if the NHS were to treat patients by investing in one his seminars filled with 1000 patients suffering with depression, mood problems, negativity etc, it would be more effective than a dozen individual therapy sessions for each patient. Something needs to change with the current mental health service BIG TIME, that's for sure!
Sunday 25 March 2012
The INTJ Forum
I've been spending time visiting the INTJ Forum over the last year. I basically use it as a soundboard for any semi-intelligent opinions I might have. Most of the members are smart and I respect that. My intelligent side feels at home there :) I can join in a really interesting, deep discussion about 'Free will' or debate the pros and cons of democracy with people able to post well thought out and valid arguments (most of the time). I've learned a lot there. It's opened my mind up and helped me make better conclusions about the world. INTJs generally have quite strong opinions which are often very different yet also very valid. It's such a refreshing contrast to typical dumb TV, celebrity gossip and the majority of people I've met and spoke to over my life time.
I want to add some of my posts and replies to the blog for reference. Also, sometimes I say something which, for me, is pretty fucking smart and I guess I'm kinda proud of such observations and statements :D
I want to add some of my posts and replies to the blog for reference. Also, sometimes I say something which, for me, is pretty fucking smart and I guess I'm kinda proud of such observations and statements :D
Friday 9 March 2012
What's wrong with my brain?
There's so many syndromes, mental disorders and ailments out there which I recognise and could be classed as. I'm sure pretty much every single human being has at least one or two! Here are a few I've identified of myself.
In order or relevance:
bi-polor depression, panic attacks, multiple personalities, the personality disorders: boarder line, antisocial, narcissistic, schizoid, PTS, body dysmorphic disorder, sleep disorders - to name a few.
I guess to have 15 items on a list like this is pretty worrying! Although for a lot of them you can't have one without the other, so in actual fact you could say I'm only inflicted with 5 or 6 tops. Having this kinda insight is always a good start and makes me feel a little better to know I'm not the only person dealing with these problems. I'm sure there are a lot of people like me who have ended up isolating themselves and living a very limited lifestyle through no fault of their own. The moral do-gooder in me wants to support similar people! And also want to be supported in the same way as sufferers of more obvious mental health problems or physical conditions.
Perhaps these ailments are directly what's been effecting my mood? I tried plotting out how I've been feeling recently, and this pretty much sums up recent years too! I want to get to that green state, but currently spending too much time well under a decent base mood, so will have a long way to go to get there! At least it's insightful to see a visual representation of how I feel and in comparison with other people around me.
In order or relevance:
- Atypical Depression
- AvPD [Avoidant personality disorder]
- Atychiphobia [phobia of failure]
- Social Anxiety & Social Phobia
- Existential Anxiety
- Thanatophobia [phobia of death]
- GAD [Generalized Anxiety Disorder]
- Eating Disorder
- Major / Clinical Depressive Disorder
- Dysthymia & Chronic Depression (Long term)
- Circadian Rhythm Disorder/s
- Mild Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
- SAD [Seasonal Effect Disorder]
- A small degree of OCD and Autism
- A small degree of Dependant Personality Disorder
bi-polor depression, panic attacks, multiple personalities, the personality disorders: boarder line, antisocial, narcissistic, schizoid, PTS, body dysmorphic disorder, sleep disorders - to name a few.
I guess to have 15 items on a list like this is pretty worrying! Although for a lot of them you can't have one without the other, so in actual fact you could say I'm only inflicted with 5 or 6 tops. Having this kinda insight is always a good start and makes me feel a little better to know I'm not the only person dealing with these problems. I'm sure there are a lot of people like me who have ended up isolating themselves and living a very limited lifestyle through no fault of their own. The moral do-gooder in me wants to support similar people! And also want to be supported in the same way as sufferers of more obvious mental health problems or physical conditions.
Perhaps these ailments are directly what's been effecting my mood? I tried plotting out how I've been feeling recently, and this pretty much sums up recent years too! I want to get to that green state, but currently spending too much time well under a decent base mood, so will have a long way to go to get there! At least it's insightful to see a visual representation of how I feel and in comparison with other people around me.
Sunday 4 March 2012
Meeting ladies off the internet
#1 Miss P
2pm: I met with a fellow depression & anxiety sufferer from the site Nolongerlonely.com. She was 6 years older and lives two hours away. Originally from Slovakia, she's lived in the UK for 10 years. It's always a tiny bit unsettling when I talk to non-natives as I suspect certain words and jokes might get lost in translation. I try to be conscious of this and also speak a little slower and more clearly.
Before we met I never saw her as potential girlfriend material and after meeting that was definitely confirmed. I guess she might like me in that way, but for me there wasn't even a hint of attraction there. Our issues were actually very similar though and it was a relief to chat to someone about mental health issues who had tried near as much to resolve their problems and was going through the same thing. A total contrast to previous group therapy sessions where everyone else was all so different. I suspected she was also an INJT/P like myself with a similar Big 5/SLOAN. I'll have to ask her MBTI score in an email some time.
Overall, it was great to get out the house and meet someone new. It was good that we could relate on the mental health front and I imagine we'll meet again. In the mean time, it might be good to email and discuss our progress (or lack of). I'm not sure what her plans are to change as she has a lot of genuine excuses and overall seems to have less opportunity than I do. At least I have my parent's support, some money behind me, get to see my bro for a movie or gaming session once a week. Plus I feel that my social skills and lifestyle standards are more advanced than her, making things a little easier for me. In fact she's very similar to my buddy Mr G, but perhaps more mature and a little more intelligent? The fact that she is similar means that I probably couldn't expect to relate fully, have a proper laugh with or experience too much positivity. I'm all too aware how I can only cope with so much bitching and 'life's shit' before I start feeling really down!
Kudos: Made the effort to meet someone new and made a new friend, if not acquaintance.
#2 Miss V
8pm: I met with a typical, "normal" girl from Plentyoffish. She was 6 years younger and lives about 30 minutes away. She seemed really nice- reasonably mature, intelligent and generally had all her shit together. She presented herself well and I liked the way she dressed! We had a few things in common but nothing like my best friend E, which is always disappointing. 99.9% of women aren't gonna have as much in common with me as I'd ideally like, so it's something I'm trying to come to terms with and not get caught up trying to look for that illusive 0.1% who totally get me and vice versa.
On the surface we seem pretty well matched so in theory she'd make a suitable girlfriend! The date went well, but I really don't know if she would consider it 'well' enough to want to see me again. I've been on 4 or 5 other dates in the past which also went 'well', but didn't end up amounting to anything, so I'm trying to downplay her value, the experience and not raise my hopes. I didn't do any of the 'kino' or playful banter all the dating experts would advise on. To be honest, I just didn't have the balls and also wouldn't know how to work that into my semi-dry, semi-intellectual persona. If it went to a second date in a week or two, I'd need to make that my number 1 priority, risk the pulling back or rejection and put less importance in what I say for example.
Overall it was another move in a positive reaction. I'm exhausted from from all the social contact, but was worth the effort. It makes me appreciate the holes in my 'game' and gave me an opportunity to interact with the outside world instead of hiding away playing games or watching films. Kudos!
2pm: I met with a fellow depression & anxiety sufferer from the site Nolongerlonely.com. She was 6 years older and lives two hours away. Originally from Slovakia, she's lived in the UK for 10 years. It's always a tiny bit unsettling when I talk to non-natives as I suspect certain words and jokes might get lost in translation. I try to be conscious of this and also speak a little slower and more clearly.
Before we met I never saw her as potential girlfriend material and after meeting that was definitely confirmed. I guess she might like me in that way, but for me there wasn't even a hint of attraction there. Our issues were actually very similar though and it was a relief to chat to someone about mental health issues who had tried near as much to resolve their problems and was going through the same thing. A total contrast to previous group therapy sessions where everyone else was all so different. I suspected she was also an INJT/P like myself with a similar Big 5/SLOAN. I'll have to ask her MBTI score in an email some time.
Overall, it was great to get out the house and meet someone new. It was good that we could relate on the mental health front and I imagine we'll meet again. In the mean time, it might be good to email and discuss our progress (or lack of). I'm not sure what her plans are to change as she has a lot of genuine excuses and overall seems to have less opportunity than I do. At least I have my parent's support, some money behind me, get to see my bro for a movie or gaming session once a week. Plus I feel that my social skills and lifestyle standards are more advanced than her, making things a little easier for me. In fact she's very similar to my buddy Mr G, but perhaps more mature and a little more intelligent? The fact that she is similar means that I probably couldn't expect to relate fully, have a proper laugh with or experience too much positivity. I'm all too aware how I can only cope with so much bitching and 'life's shit' before I start feeling really down!
Kudos: Made the effort to meet someone new and made a new friend, if not acquaintance.
#2 Miss V
8pm: I met with a typical, "normal" girl from Plentyoffish. She was 6 years younger and lives about 30 minutes away. She seemed really nice- reasonably mature, intelligent and generally had all her shit together. She presented herself well and I liked the way she dressed! We had a few things in common but nothing like my best friend E, which is always disappointing. 99.9% of women aren't gonna have as much in common with me as I'd ideally like, so it's something I'm trying to come to terms with and not get caught up trying to look for that illusive 0.1% who totally get me and vice versa.
On the surface we seem pretty well matched so in theory she'd make a suitable girlfriend! The date went well, but I really don't know if she would consider it 'well' enough to want to see me again. I've been on 4 or 5 other dates in the past which also went 'well', but didn't end up amounting to anything, so I'm trying to downplay her value, the experience and not raise my hopes. I didn't do any of the 'kino' or playful banter all the dating experts would advise on. To be honest, I just didn't have the balls and also wouldn't know how to work that into my semi-dry, semi-intellectual persona. If it went to a second date in a week or two, I'd need to make that my number 1 priority, risk the pulling back or rejection and put less importance in what I say for example.
Overall it was another move in a positive reaction. I'm exhausted from from all the social contact, but was worth the effort. It makes me appreciate the holes in my 'game' and gave me an opportunity to interact with the outside world instead of hiding away playing games or watching films. Kudos!
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