Why Most Self-help Books & Blog posts suck

I've read dozens of personal development and self help books. Probably close to 100 articles relating to personal growth for sites like Psychology Today. And then hundreds for forum posts, blog articles, magazine columns,videos and so on.

I love them! They can prove to be immensely insightful, interesting and sometimes inspirational. They can also be pretentious, stupid, pointless, confusing, re-hashed bullshit presented in a way which disguises it's true nature (to some people). In fact 9 out of 10 articles I read on psychology sites are watered down, pointless rubbish which doesn't really mean a lot in a practical sense. Also many self-help books and articles never address the problem they propose to be solving.

A typical example might be an article/book/video with the title "How to feel confident"
- I read that and think: "Wow, I want to feel confident!" so I check out the article... It then talks about how confident people act, the positive results one starts to gain once confident and why it's no good to act in a way which makes you less confident. Sometimes at the end of such articles there are dozens of internet user replies talking about how thankful they are to have read the article or how they feel boosted and ready to become a more confident person. I'm thinking "Wait a minute! This didn't actually explain "how" to feel confident. It just kinda skipped to the end objective and didn't lay down the path one must follow with the relevant sign posts in order to achieve such a goal". I expect practical methods of 'unstifling' one's self, flipping to a positive mind-set or maybe daily tasks one could carry out to then progress to different levels of confidence? In the end, many articles just don't have enough quality substance to them to make a lasting impact on my life.

Another thing that bugs me is how an article which leaves out detail. I'll read about an experiment which makes a conclusion without certain important variables taken into consideration. Perhaps certain variables were taken into account and the article author just neglected to mention all the facts, but either way, without all the facts it makes such articles pretty useless.

If I were to ever write a "how to" article, I want to make sure I am as detailed and comprehensive as possible and that I actually answer the hard questions in a well thought-out, intelligent way! Those are the kinda things I wanna read about.

Overcoming a Fear?

Today my friend and I discussed how overcoming a fear is more than just a case of facing it.

Using the roller coaster example: Certain rides scare the shit outta me! Not in a fun way, but in a genuine terrifying, unpleasant way. During a Theme Park visit a while back I'd attempted to face my fear of riding their most scary ride. I was anxious and fearful before I got onto AND during the ride. After the roller coaster came to a stop and I got off I felt REALLY proud of my achievement of facing a huge fear. Yet it was not something I felt I'd want to go on a second time straight after, nor several years later.

Sure, rides are supposed to be scary, but I want to be able to enjoy to thrills of the ride like everyone else. However the feelings of fear totally obscure the simultaneous positive emotion I feel I should be having. I'm still scared- Facing my fear obviously did not make me realize it wasn't so bad after all like we're all taught to expect.

People might say: "You're simply just a wimp" or "you just don't like scary rides, so live accept it". But I don't want to feel restricted by irrational fears! I know the ride is totally safe and I have nothing to worry about and until I am able to deal with a safe, fun activity in a "normal" way then I am not content.

Equally, I find it terrifying to approach strangers. A few months back I did pluck up the courage to chat to someone in a bar. It was scary as hell and not an enjoyable process, but I did it and once again felt proud of the accomplishment. A week later, I did the same thing- approached some girls in a bar for a chat and once again I had a ton of anxieties and fears before, during and after the encounter. Despite having tried approaches one week and then the next, I still feel as scared (or perhaps nearly) as I did before I'd even faced the fear!

WHY?!

Firstly perhaps getting over a fear by facing it only works if it generates a positive outcome. If the roller coaster proved to be less scary or equally thrilling and fun and if the girls I chatted to showed more interest and made me happy, then things might have worked out? I dunno.

Secondly I might have done a great job at pre-programming my mind to think something is scary that it has a placebo-type effect and becomes what I expect it to?

There is one theory we discussed which might solve the problem of fears not being conquered when faced. The idea was basically constant repetition within a short time frame. In theory this would be enough to desensitize you to the fears by creating a habit in a short time gap without space to re-establish old, fearful thought patterns.

So, for example: Go on the scary ride 5 or 6 times in a row, or approach 5 or 6 strangers a day EVERY day for a week. Hopefully this will then cement the idea that it really isn't as bad as initially perceived. Cementing the idea with an intensive course of repetition is the key.

I don't know if this would work, but would love to give it a go!

The only problem (and it is a HUGE problem) is that it takes massive amounts of courage in the first place to face one's fears. And even more courage to re-face them once you've effectively proved to your brain that this really is as bad as you've imagined it might be. Once your brain has hard evidence that something is as bad as the mental image you'd initially projected, it takes a special kind of commitment to carry on and persevere despite this. It seems to me to be on par with considering putting one's own life in risk!

[Side note: For more positive thinkers/mind-sets, recovering from failure is a lot easier as is a general positive interpretation about attempting any particular situation in the first place. Developing an ability to interpret in a positive way might be a more important step than attempting to grind it out as above?]

Winning the Shame Game

Kill shame-inducing situations before they become a threat, advises David Allyn, Ph.D., a Harvard-trained social scientist and visiting scholar at Columbia University's Institute for Social and Economic Research and Policy. His book, I Can't Believe I Just Did That, includes a few pointers:

• Be on time. Punctuality creates self-discipline and impresses both others and yourself. It's a healthy habit that keeps you calm about the clock.
• Stick to the facts. You're bound to get caught lying, so why bother? Lies just set you up with unnecessary opportunities to feel ashamed.
• Cut the gossip. Comments made behind your back sting, and don't forget how you feel about those who talked about you. Focus on deep, meaningful talk where every conversation can be a chance to realize a dream or accomplish an aim.
• Keep your word. It feels good to be considered reliable, so honor your word no matter what the reasons are for disregarding them. Remember, a promise is a promise. 

I do all these already. I could work on punctuality, but other than that, I do well to avoid shameful situations by being my natural considerate self :D Glad to have a few things I don't need to work on for once!

Stop giving a shit what other people think!!!

The goal:

Do not give a damn what anyone thinks about you

The obstacle: 

Feeling automatically scrutinized and self esteem feels under threat whenever out in public


The solution: 

Get out of your head

How:

This is the tough part- how can I not think about myself? How can I stop an automatic habit of needing to be conscious of how I'm projecting myself? Can I stop scanning for evidence to support fears that I am a useless, pathetic person, ugly, worthless (or not)? Can I not worry that I will hurt people by saying the wrong thing or make myself look stupid and valueless? 

Idea #1
Find a new way to channel my mental energies. Instead of concentrating on how I am being/acting/coming across and what I'm thinking, really think hard about what I want and what I can do or say to make my experience of any given situation and life in general more enjoyable or productive.

Idea #2
Ditch fears. Remind myself that doing whatever I do, (even if it means walking around naked or saying what's on my mind) will not kill me! As long as I'm not rude, offensive or hurting anyone, it is unlikely that something bad will happy and NO ONE has the right to criticise. If they do, then realize that they are effectively saying "I'm an idiot scum bag and I'm going to make you feel bad to make myself feel good"- How ridiculous it would be for me to value the wrong, uneducated opinion of a scum bag stranger over intelligent, genuine people who aren't criticising arse holes!

Training myself out of this 'in my own head' habit will take A LOT of work if indeed it is possible.

Quote of the day

"Those who can do, those who can't criticise"

I just kinda like that :D

Sex Tips from Rock Stars

In a Men's Health article I checked out on the subject, they mentioned a few points which are always good reminders of how to present yourself in a more appealing way.  I don't care about sex tips, but personal development is always good:

• When in groups, try moving around the room and interacting with as many people as possible. When you speak, vary the pace of your voice from upbeat to slow, and deliver all your words with emphasis. Be controversial, counter-intuitive, emotional and fluent.
• Recent research found that confident people keep an open posture with their hands apart and away from their face.
• Rock stars are unattainable. Create that exclusivity by having somewhere else to be and making your time with her feel limited.
• Guys hunt for women in packs. Women don’t often find that appealing. It’s usually the guy who shows he’s willing to break away who makes the most progress.” Rock legend dictates as much. The successful womaniser breaks away from the entourage, making himself more ‘vulnerable’ by introducing himself to strangers. “You become a much safer proposition,”
• These are men who stand out: the guy who asks questions during lectures, scores multiple strikes at the bowling alley or takes risks in the boardroom. Find the thing that marks you out – and push it.
• In a social context, movement is very important. Using expansive arm gestures is a way of getting noticed. Pour cocktails at a party, hail taxis and throw your hands up at gigs.
• Adopt characteristics that women find attractive: attentiveness, empathy and listening skills [Side note: this is something I've worked on a lot and feel very good at]
• Don’t plan a date for after a heavy workout. Cambridge University found high testosterone reduces your capacity for empathy.
• Try to look young and youthful- groom yourself (including downstairs)
• Up your intake of vitamin C. It can prevent the ageing effects of long-term sun exposure, says the University of Maryland. 

Although these pointers might just be based on small scale university studies, they make sense and worth keeping stuff like this in mind.