Meeting More Ladies off the internet!

Meeting people is never a bad thing as I'm always looking to gain experience in social situations with different types of people and hopefully improve my confidence.

I've now probably met dozens of people through the net- many of which are girls through dating sites and have been quite lucky to have had these experiences compared to my parent's generation where there was no internet, or technophobes who don't want to or think about using the net to meet people in real life.

For someone who spends most of this days indoors and shying away from anything remotely out of the ordinary, I first wish to congratulate myself for getting out, going to Hayes and meeting a very different type of girl.

O:

Ironically, O’s not very typical of most Japanese I’m familiar with- very outgoing and impolite at times though extroverted ignorance.

Physically she was a big disappointment when I saw her in the flesh compared to her photo. Yet there is something sexy about her and can’t put my finger on it. Perhaps her outgoing personality or asian/exotic looks?

Style-wise, I’ve seen worse, but I wasn’t impressed. Particularly at the fact she wore no make-up and a stained pair of tights! I made a lot of effort to wear nice things, clean my shoes and style my hair, so was gutted she hadn’t presented herself better. Apparently she’s into platform heels! Woulda loved to see her in some! Lol

The good thing is, she’s bright, fun, light hearted and up-beat. In one way her extroverted ignorance is good because she can’t read my inner insecurities. Hanging around with someone like that would probably do me good to balance me out and learn to effectively communicate with a different type.

Other than being incapable of appreciating her thinking and vice versa, her 'ESTP' abruptness and spontaneous outbursts are annoying and at times hurtful, even though I know she doesn’t mean to do it. She’s pretty inconsiderate and that’s totally not what I need from a relationship when I’m so insecure and self conscious. Because of her inconsiderate nature, she’s a pretty poor communicator despite the confidence.

Because she’s a do-er and very busy, she’s taken A LOT of action and got good at a lot of things- pro level at sports, music, business, languages and even winning at gambling, making money! It’s SERIOUSLY intimidating and makes me feel like a failure in comparison. What can I do- draw a half decent picture when I put my mind to it?

From her, and previous dates I learned:

• That I value style and making an effort with one's appearance- especially in women. 
• Femininity is important to me and anything that accentuates and outwardly expresses this is cool/sexy - make up, dresses, heels, hand bags, long hair.
• However, I dislike girlie attitudes and am MASSIVELY into hot, sexy, feminine  girls who love geeky male stuff like video games and scifi, despite such girls being exceptionally rare!
• I am a great listener, great at making people feel comfortable, have a decent set of social skills and am very considerate, kind and emotionally giving as a person.
• I am not like many of these girl's ex boyfriend who are described as narcissistic, aggressive, arseholes!
• Some personalities don't like deep chats, so don't bother so just keep these people as peripheral friends.
• I would often make a better boyfriend than they would a girlfriend.
• I feel I come across and behave A LOT better than how I think I will be like beforehand.
• I need to chill out, be in the moment and concentrate on fun more

Become happy by assigning unhappy things a positive value

This was posted on the INTJ forum by a guy who'd suffered long term depression and is now happy most of the time. It was a way of stripping things back and looking at things in a new way which made sense to me:

"Let's delve into what is, and what is not. When we're talking about what is positive, and what is negative, we're referring to something's value to us. We define positive as things we prefer, and negative as things we do not prefer. But to prefer is not an objective observation. An objective observer must remain neutral, and therefore an objective observer is incapable of preferring anything, and therefore also incapable of making value statements. Value is therefore subjective. So, what is value? Value refers to utility - usefulness. If something is useful to us, then it has value. Otherwise, it has no value. So, we've concluded that value is subjective, and refers to how useful something is to us. But what is usefulness? It is anything we can make use of. And whether we can make use of something, or not, is only limited by imagination. So, when something negative happens to you, it must therefore first be seen as something that is not useful to you (decision), therefore has no value or negative value (decision) and hence is baaaad. However, if you allow yourself to see the use of something, then it becomes useful to you - therefore it has value, and therefore it's positive.

So when you're fired, there is no objective value connected to the event (it cannot have one, because if it does, it is not objective), the subjective utility of the event is created through what we imagine we can use the event for. If you imagine it as something that retracts from your resources, then it will be assigned a negative value (low usefulness). If you imagine it as something that frees you from responsibility and allow you to find a new and better job, then it will be assigned a positive value (high usefulness). And here comes the crescendo - if usefulness is subjective, and you are the one assigning things their value, and it lies within your power to assign it usefulness, or unusefulness, and the former will make you happy and the latter will make you unhappy, the following question will then be asked;

If there's no objective value, and you alone decide how valuable an event is to you, then what possible rational reason could you have to assign something a value that does not make you happy?"

Therefore to consciously reinterpret negative events by assigning a positive value= happiness.

The Original Poster went on to stipulate that turning an assigned value into an automatic positive thought takes practice and repetition. Very important in strengthen those neural pathways of habit!

Unhappiness and negative thinking isn't all bad as it tells us there's something not right which needs attention so that it can be changed or learned from, but when negativity is having too much control over one's life, then assigning a new value seems like the way to go.

Thankfully I have matured and questioned certain things in life over the years which has made a positive benefit on my life. Rather than running on auto pilot without realizing it like many people, I decided it would be beneficial to instead learn what drives different people and trying to understand other's interpretation of the world. Doing so makes me more accepting of alternative opinions, where as I used to just think people were ignorant idiots if they didn't share my views- Sometimes, they still are! But at least that's not a knee jerk reaction I have now. Even stuff like getting dumped by women doesn't seem so bad- I used to think 'I'm a nice guy, why me!?' then hold a load of resentment towards these women for dumping me. Now I realize that it was never anything personal- I just wasn't meeting their needs or sharing their values and if value is subjective to each individual, how can I take it personally? In other words, in a long-winded, round-about way, I've come to my own conclusion that one person's trash is another's treasure. This makes me feel less negative towards myself and others, which is great!

However, I am still guilty of having certain set standards and opinions about things which haven't changed for years, if ever! Let's use drawing as an example. What happens is, I don't value: the process of drawing and being creative, the learning journey of tackling and overcoming tricky angles or shading or achievement in attempting to be productive and all I do value is achieving an expert end result. While this drives me to improve, it equally hinders me be creating negative feelings of failure if I don't consistently produce an expert result with ease, therefore to avoid such feelings, I don't practice and then don't improve. And then I feel shit for being bad at drawing! In this example, at least I know what my brain is thinking. I just need to assign new value to the process and less value to achieving a consistent expert result.

Japanese Culture provides insights

I've been in a fan of Japan and it's culture for years. It's absolutely fascinating to me. I'm, half way through watching the series 'Welcome to the NHK'- an anime about the life of a 'Hikikomori' (social recluse) and 'NEET' (unemployed school leaver) called Tatsuhiro Satō. Not only is it a great stand-alone anime story and production, but I found myself totally able to relate and it made me realize I was also a Hikikomori. I isolate myself from society relying on income from parents or welfare, feeling unable to integrate into what society expects of me. It's a term used widely in Japan, and is similar to AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder).

Not something to be proud of, but knowing there are millions of people in the same situation provides a degree of comfort. It's easy for others to call people like this lazy losers, but personally speaking I don't choose to be like this. I don't want to experience so much social anxiety, negative thinking and feel the need to have to withdraw and not be able to function in the 'real world'.

I also recognise the Japanese term 'Parasite Single'- a single man (or woman) who's still living with and becomes dependant on his parent's beyond their late 20s in order to live a comfortable and less stressful life.

I wonder how one can cure themselves of these conditions/lifestyle habits?

Big 5 / OCEAN Personality test update

Took another test on a different site and my results are as follows:

What aspects of personality does this tell me about?

There has been much research on how people describe others, and five major dimensions of human personality have been found. They are often referred to as the OCEAN model of personality, because of the acronym from the names of the five dimensions.

Openness to Experience/Intellect
	High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
		You are relatively open to new experiences.	(Your percentile: 65)
Conscientiousness
	High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
		You are well-organized, and are reliable.	(Your percentile: 74)
Extraversion
	High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
		You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone.	(Your percentile: 12)
Agreeableness
	High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
		You find it easy to express irritation with others.	(Your percentile: 22)
Neuroticism
	High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.
		You tend to become anxious or nervous.	(Your percentile: 66)

What do the scores tell me?
In order to provide you with a meaningful comparison, the scores you received have been converted to "percentile scores." This means that your personality score can be directly compared to another group of people who have also taken this personality test.The percentile scores show you where you score on the five personality dimensions relative to the comparison sample of other people who have taken this test on-line. In other words, your percentile scores indicate the percentage of people who score less than you on each dimension. For example, your Extraversion percentile score is 12, which means that about 12 percent of the people in our comparison sample are less extraverted than you -- in other words, you are rather introverted. Keep in mind that these percentile scores are relative to our particular sample of people. Thus, your percentile scores may differ if you were compared to another sample (e.g., elderly British people).

I'm a O65-C74-E12-A22-N66 Big Five

My thoughts:

Seems pretty accurate. I would say I am original, creative, curious, complex as I'm also an INTJ on the MBTI and an artist, so not totally sure I agree with the score on that? The fact that I am not perhaps as 'open' to trying new experiences is due to the more powerful neurotic trait? Same goes for why I'm 'introverted' and why I'm 'conscientious'- I do a good job because if not I worry I'll get sacked or moaned at etc.

The "Disagreeable" factor is interesting.

I've often said if I were to ever date a girl, she would HAVE TO either share the same values or be very adaptable.
The fact the test proves I'm quite critical of differences by being a disagreeable personality says a lot and explains this opinion. Perhaps as well, the fact I am disagreeable makes it difficult to accept other's opinions, other ways of doing things, and thus I have a much harder time in trying to achieve my goals of transforming my life? I don't want to make excuses or use it as a reason to give up, but it does explain a few things.

I wonder if one can change such personality types and to what degree?