Terminology for my "condition"
I had previously thought my personality and those similar
to me could be described as "INTJs (see MBTI) with low 'emotional
stability' (see Global Big 5)". However the term "Emotional Stability"
doesn't seem to fit. I feel as though I have my emotions in check and
perhaps even better than a lot of 'normal' people. Instead I would
consider that 'Sensitivity to Stress' is a better lable and indicator
when assessing my, or anyone else's personality, amongst several other
key factors.
Stress
The fact I often
feel stuck, anxious and fearful of future and at times present
situations, doesn't seem typical of most people I observe in my day
to day life and have recently made a conscious effort to compare and
consider this. One very probable reason I suffer in my day to day life
and one thing that holds me back despite a fair degree of intelligence
and wealth of self help knowledge is high sensitivity to stress.
Everyone gets a little nervous when meeting someone new, performing in
activities, taking small risks or initiative at work, but for me this
feeling seems to be amplified A LOT!
Having lived as me
my whole life, it's difficult to realize if I am over-reactiving to
stimuli due to a form of stupidity, irrational thoughts, from possessing
a weak character, OR, more likely, something completely out of my
control. Although there's no way to know for sure unless I could
literally experience someone else's existence, or perhaps have an MRI scan and accompanied analysis. I am starting to realize
that I don't have the amount of success financially, in relationships,
with my art and hobbies, or even sports I deserve and could be capable
of due to FUCKING HUGE set backs totally out of my control!
I'm not trying to make excuses and analyse myself objectively. It's
not laziness, lack imagination or know-how which often hinders my
progress to success and growth, but an ever present fear and elevated
stress levels due to my largely uncontrollable physiology.
Being "In State", at ease, chilled, relaxed, primed for optimistic thought:
Over the last few months I've noticed several short periods where
I would feel different- the super intense stress and apprehension
leaves me. I'm not thinking about my: future, performance,
inadequateness and am just being 'me'! I feel a degree of freedom,
enjoyment and happiness I seldom recognise. Examples would be driving to
see a friend in London with my favourite tunes playing in the car,
wandering around a shopping mall on my own and trying on clothes, or
initial worries of going somewhere unfamiliar melting away- when I'd go to a busy barbers to get a hair cut and also then stand outside with a drink watching unaware people go
about their little lives while I wait to be seen. I imagine this
may be how most 'normal' people I've observed live their lives constantly (or at least most of the time).
I would FUCKING LOVE to experience this care-free,
excited, optimistic, can-do attitude and state of mind more often, but
it really is a rarity and have been unable to find something
consistently effective in putting me into such a state and especially if
I'm in a negative thought spiral/loop.
So far I have
discovered what I currently call "the fuel of hope"- it's a short term
influence which can get me into State or help me towards it. However,
the influence loses it's power the more it's tapped into and like fuel,
it's eventually spent. Examples would be the first time I heard an
inspiring Anthony Robins talk or a Real Social Dynamics lecture. Amazing
music, art, movies and comedy can have a small impact also. Finding
truly inspirational material or people isn't easy, but I will always
keep an eye out in the interim while I search for a way of developing a
more permanent, deep-level positive and free State.
To summarize this post:
I believe I
am more stress sensitive than the average man. Why? Can this be changed?
Can I learn new ways to cope with my affliction? I don't know the answers.
I have experienced a more care free, enjoyable state of mind in the past. I
want to experience this more often and aim to relinquish many automatic
worries and fears in time. Inspirational 'fuel' can do this, but perhaps there are other drastic ways to make lasting positive changes?
