Stop giving a shit what other people think!!!

The goal:

Do not give a damn what anyone thinks about you

The obstacle: 

Feeling automatically scrutinized and self esteem feels under threat whenever out in public


The solution: 

Get out of your head

How:

This is the tough part- how can I not think about myself? How can I stop an automatic habit of needing to be conscious of how I'm projecting myself? Can I stop scanning for evidence to support fears that I am a useless, pathetic person, ugly, worthless (or not)? Can I not worry that I will hurt people by saying the wrong thing or make myself look stupid and valueless? 

Idea #1
Find a new way to channel my mental energies. Instead of concentrating on how I am being/acting/coming across and what I'm thinking, really think hard about what I want and what I can do or say to make my experience of any given situation and life in general more enjoyable or productive.

Idea #2
Ditch fears. Remind myself that doing whatever I do, (even if it means walking around naked or saying what's on my mind) will not kill me! As long as I'm not rude, offensive or hurting anyone, it is unlikely that something bad will happy and NO ONE has the right to criticise. If they do, then realize that they are effectively saying "I'm an idiot scum bag and I'm going to make you feel bad to make myself feel good"- How ridiculous it would be for me to value the wrong, uneducated opinion of a scum bag stranger over intelligent, genuine people who aren't criticising arse holes!

Training myself out of this 'in my own head' habit will take A LOT of work if indeed it is possible.

Quote of the day

"Those who can do, those who can't criticise"

I just kinda like that :D

Sex Tips from Rock Stars

In a Men's Health article I checked out on the subject, they mentioned a few points which are always good reminders of how to present yourself in a more appealing way.  I don't care about sex tips, but personal development is always good:

• When in groups, try moving around the room and interacting with as many people as possible. When you speak, vary the pace of your voice from upbeat to slow, and deliver all your words with emphasis. Be controversial, counter-intuitive, emotional and fluent.
• Recent research found that confident people keep an open posture with their hands apart and away from their face.
• Rock stars are unattainable. Create that exclusivity by having somewhere else to be and making your time with her feel limited.
• Guys hunt for women in packs. Women don’t often find that appealing. It’s usually the guy who shows he’s willing to break away who makes the most progress.” Rock legend dictates as much. The successful womaniser breaks away from the entourage, making himself more ‘vulnerable’ by introducing himself to strangers. “You become a much safer proposition,”
• These are men who stand out: the guy who asks questions during lectures, scores multiple strikes at the bowling alley or takes risks in the boardroom. Find the thing that marks you out – and push it.
• In a social context, movement is very important. Using expansive arm gestures is a way of getting noticed. Pour cocktails at a party, hail taxis and throw your hands up at gigs.
• Adopt characteristics that women find attractive: attentiveness, empathy and listening skills [Side note: this is something I've worked on a lot and feel very good at]
• Don’t plan a date for after a heavy workout. Cambridge University found high testosterone reduces your capacity for empathy.
• Try to look young and youthful- groom yourself (including downstairs)
• Up your intake of vitamin C. It can prevent the ageing effects of long-term sun exposure, says the University of Maryland. 

Although these pointers might just be based on small scale university studies, they make sense and worth keeping stuff like this in mind.

Physical Transformation

Workouts:

I've been going back to the gym for just over two months now. The goal is to put on 1.5 stone (21 pounds) of muscle mass. It's achievable despite my natural ectomorphic physique, but will take lot of work.

So far I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and over two months put on 5 pounds. I'm happy with that. Although have actually lost 1 pound over the last two weeks.

Last year I was trying to do the same thing - bulking up and put on 10 pounds in two months, although was attending the gym an extra 1-2 times a week.

I feel I am pushing myself pretty well and the fact I'm always obtaining sore muscle groups after workouts shows this. My routine is pretty good, my lifting form isn't bad and I know to mix things up to stimulate new growth etc. I'm stretching and resting sufficiently between sets and drinking water throughout.

Diet-wise:

I make sure to start the day with breakfast - cereal, a protein supplement, a small carb supplement and 4-5g of Creatine. Sometimes I get a bannana, sandwich or burger in before my session, which seems to give me a little more energy.

I make sure to have a protein supplement straight after my workout within 15 minutes of finishing.

I'm conscious of not going too made with fat and sugar intake, although feel happy to eat take aways most days, knowing I need to calories.

I'm also conscious of needing to up my protein intake, which was between 100g-180g per day last time I recorded it for a week.

Calorie intake was 2500-3000 kcal per day last time I recorded it for a week. Might be averaging a little less at the moment?

I take Omega 3 and vitamin supplements in addition.

Conclusion:

I'm working hard with my workouts! Pushing myself hard and noticing my strength is increasing back up to the level I was at last year. My body looks little better than a did a few month prior, although it's not majorly noticeable as yet.

Working out is tough- It takes a lot out of me, is making my feel tired a lot and at times quite stressful. It requires a lot of consideration towards work out times, rest days, diet plan and eating times.

I feel ok to continue pretty much what I'm doing for months to come. I've got a gym membership to pay until May 2013! Although would find it VERY difficult to maintain if I had a full time job and other commitments to deal with as well.

Hopefully I will put on AT LEAST another 5 pounds by September and get up to 13 stone, although with  more effort (if possible to maintain) I feel I could reach my 13.5 stone goal by then! After which, a session or two per week will do me just to maintain my physique.

I might consider a more strict bulking and cutting approach, but will see how it goes.

I could improve it by:

Doing one-two 1 hour cardio sessions in between. I go for walks and play table tennis which probably counts towards one session, but they don't get my heart pounding and skin sweating like a rowing or cross training machine would. This wouldn't help put on the pounds, but might melt some fat and make me look more toned.

Increase my protein uptake to a 150g minimum and 210g maximum, rather than the current 100g min and 180g max. So buy and eat more chicken, fish etc.

Increase my calorie intake to a consistent 2750 kcal minimum. And increase the carb intake pre-workout for energy and post workout for recovery.

Mix up my sets, reps and speed more. So less 3 sets of 10 reps and try 4x8 or 5x5, super slow decent speeds and power burst reps.

Do 3-4 sets of push ups, dips, lunges or small isolated weights like wrist curls, lateral raises at home in-between work out days.

Stress Sensitivity and getting in 'State'

Terminology for my "condition"


I had previously thought my personality and those similar to me could be described as "INTJs (see MBTI) with low 'emotional stability' (see Global Big 5)". However the term "Emotional Stability" doesn't seem to fit. I feel as though I have my emotions in check and perhaps even better than a lot of 'normal' people. Instead I would consider that 'Sensitivity to Stress' is a better lable and indicator when assessing my, or anyone else's personality, amongst several other key factors.


Stress

The fact I often feel stuck, anxious and fearful of future and at times present situations, doesn't seem typical of most people I observe in my day to day life and have recently made a conscious effort to compare and consider this. One very probable reason I suffer in my day to day life and one thing that holds me back despite a fair degree of intelligence and wealth of self help knowledge is high sensitivity to stress. Everyone gets a little nervous when meeting someone new, performing in activities, taking small risks or initiative at work, but for me this feeling seems to be amplified A LOT!

Having lived as me my whole life, it's difficult to realize if I am over-reactiving to stimuli due to a form of stupidity, irrational thoughts, from possessing a weak character, OR, more likely, something completely out of my control. Although there's no way to know for sure unless I could literally experience someone else's existence, or perhaps have an MRI scan and accompanied analysis. I am starting to realize that I don't have the amount of success financially, in relationships, with my art and hobbies, or even sports I deserve and could be capable of due to FUCKING HUGE set backs totally out of my control!
I'm not trying to make excuses and analyse myself objectively. It's not laziness, lack imagination or know-how which often hinders my progress to success and growth, but an ever present fear and elevated stress levels due to my largely uncontrollable physiology.


Being "In State", at ease, chilled, relaxed, primed for optimistic thought:



Over the last few months I've noticed several short periods where I would feel different- the super intense stress and apprehension leaves me. I'm not thinking about my: future, performance, inadequateness and am just being 'me'! I feel a degree of freedom, enjoyment and happiness I seldom recognise. Examples would be driving to see a friend in London with my favourite tunes playing in the car, wandering around a shopping mall on my own and trying on clothes, or initial worries of going somewhere unfamiliar melting away- when I'd go to a busy barbers to get a hair cut and also then stand outside with a drink watching unaware people go about their little lives while I wait to be seen. I imagine this may be how most 'normal' people I've observed live their lives constantly (or at least most of the time).


I would FUCKING LOVE to experience this care-free, excited, optimistic, can-do attitude and state of mind more often, but it really is a rarity and have been unable to find something consistently effective in putting me into such a state and especially if I'm in a negative thought spiral/loop.

So far I have discovered what I currently call "the fuel of hope"- it's a short term influence which can get me into State or help me towards it. However, the influence loses it's power the more it's tapped into and like fuel, it's eventually spent. Examples would be the first time I heard an inspiring Anthony Robins talk or a Real Social Dynamics lecture. Amazing music, art, movies and comedy can have a small impact also. Finding truly inspirational material or people isn't easy, but I will always keep an eye out in the interim while I search for a way of developing a more permanent, deep-level positive and free State.


To summarize this post:

I believe I am more stress sensitive than the average man. Why? Can this be changed? Can I learn new ways to cope with my affliction? I don't know the answers.


I have experienced a more care free, enjoyable state of mind in the past. I want to experience this more often and aim to relinquish many automatic worries and fears in time. Inspirational 'fuel' can do this, but perhaps there are other drastic ways to make lasting positive changes?

Meeting More Ladies off the internet!

Meeting people is never a bad thing as I'm always looking to gain experience in social situations with different types of people and hopefully improve my confidence.

I've now probably met dozens of people through the net- many of which are girls through dating sites and have been quite lucky to have had these experiences compared to my parent's generation where there was no internet, or technophobes who don't want to or think about using the net to meet people in real life.

For someone who spends most of this days indoors and shying away from anything remotely out of the ordinary, I first wish to congratulate myself for getting out, going to Hayes and meeting a very different type of girl.

O:

Ironically, O’s not very typical of most Japanese I’m familiar with- very outgoing and impolite at times though extroverted ignorance.

Physically she was a big disappointment when I saw her in the flesh compared to her photo. Yet there is something sexy about her and can’t put my finger on it. Perhaps her outgoing personality or asian/exotic looks?

Style-wise, I’ve seen worse, but I wasn’t impressed. Particularly at the fact she wore no make-up and a stained pair of tights! I made a lot of effort to wear nice things, clean my shoes and style my hair, so was gutted she hadn’t presented herself better. Apparently she’s into platform heels! Woulda loved to see her in some! Lol

The good thing is, she’s bright, fun, light hearted and up-beat. In one way her extroverted ignorance is good because she can’t read my inner insecurities. Hanging around with someone like that would probably do me good to balance me out and learn to effectively communicate with a different type.

Other than being incapable of appreciating her thinking and vice versa, her 'ESTP' abruptness and spontaneous outbursts are annoying and at times hurtful, even though I know she doesn’t mean to do it. She’s pretty inconsiderate and that’s totally not what I need from a relationship when I’m so insecure and self conscious. Because of her inconsiderate nature, she’s a pretty poor communicator despite the confidence.

Because she’s a do-er and very busy, she’s taken A LOT of action and got good at a lot of things- pro level at sports, music, business, languages and even winning at gambling, making money! It’s SERIOUSLY intimidating and makes me feel like a failure in comparison. What can I do- draw a half decent picture when I put my mind to it?

From her, and previous dates I learned:

• That I value style and making an effort with one's appearance- especially in women. 
• Femininity is important to me and anything that accentuates and outwardly expresses this is cool/sexy - make up, dresses, heels, hand bags, long hair.
• However, I dislike girlie attitudes and am MASSIVELY into hot, sexy, feminine  girls who love geeky male stuff like video games and scifi, despite such girls being exceptionally rare!
• I am a great listener, great at making people feel comfortable, have a decent set of social skills and am very considerate, kind and emotionally giving as a person.
• I am not like many of these girl's ex boyfriend who are described as narcissistic, aggressive, arseholes!
• Some personalities don't like deep chats, so don't bother so just keep these people as peripheral friends.
• I would often make a better boyfriend than they would a girlfriend.
• I feel I come across and behave A LOT better than how I think I will be like beforehand.
• I need to chill out, be in the moment and concentrate on fun more

Become happy by assigning unhappy things a positive value

This was posted on the INTJ forum by a guy who'd suffered long term depression and is now happy most of the time. It was a way of stripping things back and looking at things in a new way which made sense to me:

"Let's delve into what is, and what is not. When we're talking about what is positive, and what is negative, we're referring to something's value to us. We define positive as things we prefer, and negative as things we do not prefer. But to prefer is not an objective observation. An objective observer must remain neutral, and therefore an objective observer is incapable of preferring anything, and therefore also incapable of making value statements. Value is therefore subjective. So, what is value? Value refers to utility - usefulness. If something is useful to us, then it has value. Otherwise, it has no value. So, we've concluded that value is subjective, and refers to how useful something is to us. But what is usefulness? It is anything we can make use of. And whether we can make use of something, or not, is only limited by imagination. So, when something negative happens to you, it must therefore first be seen as something that is not useful to you (decision), therefore has no value or negative value (decision) and hence is baaaad. However, if you allow yourself to see the use of something, then it becomes useful to you - therefore it has value, and therefore it's positive.

So when you're fired, there is no objective value connected to the event (it cannot have one, because if it does, it is not objective), the subjective utility of the event is created through what we imagine we can use the event for. If you imagine it as something that retracts from your resources, then it will be assigned a negative value (low usefulness). If you imagine it as something that frees you from responsibility and allow you to find a new and better job, then it will be assigned a positive value (high usefulness). And here comes the crescendo - if usefulness is subjective, and you are the one assigning things their value, and it lies within your power to assign it usefulness, or unusefulness, and the former will make you happy and the latter will make you unhappy, the following question will then be asked;

If there's no objective value, and you alone decide how valuable an event is to you, then what possible rational reason could you have to assign something a value that does not make you happy?"

Therefore to consciously reinterpret negative events by assigning a positive value= happiness.

The Original Poster went on to stipulate that turning an assigned value into an automatic positive thought takes practice and repetition. Very important in strengthen those neural pathways of habit!

Unhappiness and negative thinking isn't all bad as it tells us there's something not right which needs attention so that it can be changed or learned from, but when negativity is having too much control over one's life, then assigning a new value seems like the way to go.

Thankfully I have matured and questioned certain things in life over the years which has made a positive benefit on my life. Rather than running on auto pilot without realizing it like many people, I decided it would be beneficial to instead learn what drives different people and trying to understand other's interpretation of the world. Doing so makes me more accepting of alternative opinions, where as I used to just think people were ignorant idiots if they didn't share my views- Sometimes, they still are! But at least that's not a knee jerk reaction I have now. Even stuff like getting dumped by women doesn't seem so bad- I used to think 'I'm a nice guy, why me!?' then hold a load of resentment towards these women for dumping me. Now I realize that it was never anything personal- I just wasn't meeting their needs or sharing their values and if value is subjective to each individual, how can I take it personally? In other words, in a long-winded, round-about way, I've come to my own conclusion that one person's trash is another's treasure. This makes me feel less negative towards myself and others, which is great!

However, I am still guilty of having certain set standards and opinions about things which haven't changed for years, if ever! Let's use drawing as an example. What happens is, I don't value: the process of drawing and being creative, the learning journey of tackling and overcoming tricky angles or shading or achievement in attempting to be productive and all I do value is achieving an expert end result. While this drives me to improve, it equally hinders me be creating negative feelings of failure if I don't consistently produce an expert result with ease, therefore to avoid such feelings, I don't practice and then don't improve. And then I feel shit for being bad at drawing! In this example, at least I know what my brain is thinking. I just need to assign new value to the process and less value to achieving a consistent expert result.

Japanese Culture provides insights

I've been in a fan of Japan and it's culture for years. It's absolutely fascinating to me. I'm, half way through watching the series 'Welcome to the NHK'- an anime about the life of a 'Hikikomori' (social recluse) and 'NEET' (unemployed school leaver) called Tatsuhiro Satō. Not only is it a great stand-alone anime story and production, but I found myself totally able to relate and it made me realize I was also a Hikikomori. I isolate myself from society relying on income from parents or welfare, feeling unable to integrate into what society expects of me. It's a term used widely in Japan, and is similar to AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder).

Not something to be proud of, but knowing there are millions of people in the same situation provides a degree of comfort. It's easy for others to call people like this lazy losers, but personally speaking I don't choose to be like this. I don't want to experience so much social anxiety, negative thinking and feel the need to have to withdraw and not be able to function in the 'real world'.

I also recognise the Japanese term 'Parasite Single'- a single man (or woman) who's still living with and becomes dependant on his parent's beyond their late 20s in order to live a comfortable and less stressful life.

I wonder how one can cure themselves of these conditions/lifestyle habits?

Big 5 / OCEAN Personality test update

Took another test on a different site and my results are as follows:

What aspects of personality does this tell me about?

There has been much research on how people describe others, and five major dimensions of human personality have been found. They are often referred to as the OCEAN model of personality, because of the acronym from the names of the five dimensions.

Openness to Experience/Intellect
	High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
		You are relatively open to new experiences.	(Your percentile: 65)
Conscientiousness
	High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
		You are well-organized, and are reliable.	(Your percentile: 74)
Extraversion
	High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
		You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone.	(Your percentile: 12)
Agreeableness
	High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
		You find it easy to express irritation with others.	(Your percentile: 22)
Neuroticism
	High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.
		You tend to become anxious or nervous.	(Your percentile: 66)

What do the scores tell me?
In order to provide you with a meaningful comparison, the scores you received have been converted to "percentile scores." This means that your personality score can be directly compared to another group of people who have also taken this personality test.The percentile scores show you where you score on the five personality dimensions relative to the comparison sample of other people who have taken this test on-line. In other words, your percentile scores indicate the percentage of people who score less than you on each dimension. For example, your Extraversion percentile score is 12, which means that about 12 percent of the people in our comparison sample are less extraverted than you -- in other words, you are rather introverted. Keep in mind that these percentile scores are relative to our particular sample of people. Thus, your percentile scores may differ if you were compared to another sample (e.g., elderly British people).

I'm a O65-C74-E12-A22-N66 Big Five

My thoughts:

Seems pretty accurate. I would say I am original, creative, curious, complex as I'm also an INTJ on the MBTI and an artist, so not totally sure I agree with the score on that? The fact that I am not perhaps as 'open' to trying new experiences is due to the more powerful neurotic trait? Same goes for why I'm 'introverted' and why I'm 'conscientious'- I do a good job because if not I worry I'll get sacked or moaned at etc.

The "Disagreeable" factor is interesting.

I've often said if I were to ever date a girl, she would HAVE TO either share the same values or be very adaptable.
The fact the test proves I'm quite critical of differences by being a disagreeable personality says a lot and explains this opinion. Perhaps as well, the fact I am disagreeable makes it difficult to accept other's opinions, other ways of doing things, and thus I have a much harder time in trying to achieve my goals of transforming my life? I don't want to make excuses or use it as a reason to give up, but it does explain a few things.

I wonder if one can change such personality types and to what degree?

Possible breakthrough for delivering effective therapy

I ask myself how come I struggled to find a counsellor, therapist or mental health professional who could understand my problems and deliver an effective, lasting treatment which I felt really helped ME?

[First read about MBTI and Big 5]

I'm noticing the difference between happy INTJs and unhappy ones seems to come down to their Big 5 Emotional stability score. I believe the correlation between these results identifies a very specific sub group of individuals who will all experience very similar problems in life and I begin wondering if there is a specific method for helping these types of INTJs to feel happy and deal with problems? Psychology based therapy generally seems to use a "one size fits all" approach, and I've not heard of treatments which are determined and tailored by assessing a combined MBTI and Big 5 score. At this moment, I believe constructing a treatment model with this in mind could make a big difference in how effective therapy and help is to certain individuals.

Currently most therapists assess patients with mood rating tests and leave it at that. Sure- that shows how depressed or anxious someone is, or even filter out issues like compulsive behaviour, but they do not then seem to have a method for treating different personalities from the start, and instead attempt to use a universal rule for treating each patient, or try to figure out how that patient thinks over several sessions, which could be a waste of time and resources. Even after several sessions, that doesn't mean a therapist would have figured out their patient's personality, or even know what to do to specifically treat their personality type. I don't have the answers for treatments for different types, or even my own, but I have learned that people with my personality type will not feel comfortable with someone who can not comprehend our way of thinking, seeing the world and communicating. I wonder if this contributes to why therapy is not always effective and perhaps such assessments could lay the ground work for generally delivering an improved and more efficient mental health service?

Basically- how about treating patients after first assessing their general personality type and using a specific structure of treatment for that type?

If only a psychology team in a hospital could research my idea further to check it's valid, work out different therapy strategies for the different personality types and then trial this assessment method to see if it had a positive impact.

There may still be a universal rule which would effectively treat nearly all different personality types in one hit, but certainly such a therapy method does not seem to be recognised and used on a wide scale as far am I know. I was informed that a certain scientific test (I'm unable to cite a reference now) proved that a psychotherapist's treatment is as effective OR LESS than a typical housewife with no experience in psychology and treating patients.

I'll write more about Anthony Robbins later, but as an example, I believe if the NHS were to treat patients by investing in one his seminars filled with 1000 patients suffering with depression, mood problems, negativity etc, it would be more effective than a dozen individual therapy sessions for each patient. Something needs to change with the current mental health service BIG TIME, that's for sure!