This was emailed to me, so posting it for future reference!...
-------------------
There is this puzzle in most Western (and some Eastern) societies
that is really confusing. See if you can figure it out – we’ll use the
United States as an example.
40 years ago…
The average house was 1000 sq feet, now it’s 2422 sq feet
A McDonald’s cheeseburger cost 30 min of wages, now it costs 3 min
There was 1 car for every 2 households, now there are 2 for every 1 household
Life expectancy has since gone up by an average of 8 years
GDP has since tripled or gone up 8.9 trillion dollars
So we live in bigger homes, make more money, and have longer lives.
If that is the case, how can we explain that in the last 40 years:
The divorce rate has doubled
Teen suicide has tripled
Recorded violent crime has quadrupled
And Depression has increased 10x – that’s right ten times.
If things are getting better, why are people getting worse? There isn't a
one line answer to this paradox, but I’m going to offer a two part theory:
(1) We have been focusing on the wrong things to make us happy; and
(2) When something is wrong (anxiety, panic, depression) we only practice
reducing the negative feelings – we ignore increasing the positive.
Guess what? Happiness doesn’t come from just reducing negative feelings.
In other words, if everything “bad” in your life were wiped away, you would
not automatically be incredibly happy. To live a joyous, fulfilled, and
meaningful life, you need to practice positivity. Yes, happiness takes practice.
One simple practice you can start with is called savoring. If you rush around
all day long from the moment you get up to the moment you hit the pillow, you
are probably not taking time to savor. Slow down and savor the good stuff.
Savoring has been scientifically researched to increase your well-being. Try
the exercise below.
Exercise: According to researcher, Fred Bryant, there are 4 effective
ways to savor:
Basking: Receiving praise and congratulations
Thanksgiving: Experiencing and expressing gratitude
Marveling: Losing yourself in the wonder of the experience
Luxuriating: Engaging in the senses fully
My request of you is that you pick one of these 4 techniques and sit
down to savor right now. Sit down for 5 minutes (if you’re busy,
even 2 minutes will do). Think about one pleasant thing that happened
today (smell, touch, sight, sound, experience) and close your eyes and
enjoy it. Reminisce about what you loved about it.
As humans we are great at doing and moving and pushing through to
the next goal; but we need to also focus on enjoying, savoring, and
just “being”. Remember, happiness takes practice, so make it part of
your day.
Love & Light,
Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
-------------------
Note: Not to sound cynical and I appreciate the advice but I wonder who certified her? Herself?
Hmm, the art of savouring. It sounds good in theory, but takes effort and a mindset to want to feel good and in the mood to appreciate the good. This is something I'm not naturally comfortable with. I'll try to savour things more often though if I remember!
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Winning the Shame Game
Kill shame-inducing situations before they become a threat, advises
David Allyn, Ph.D., a Harvard-trained social scientist and visiting
scholar at Columbia University's Institute for Social and Economic
Research and Policy. His book, I Can't Believe I Just Did That, includes a few pointers:
- Be on time. Punctuality creates self-discipline and impresses both others and yourself. It's a healthy habit that keeps you calm about the clock.
- Stick to the facts. You're bound to get caught lying, so why bother? Lies just set you up with unnecessary opportunities to feel ashamed.
- Cut the gossip. Comments made behind your back sting, and don't forget how you feel about those who talked about you. Focus on deep, meaningful talk where every conversation can be a chance to realize a dream or accomplish an aim.
- Keep your word. It feels good to be considered reliable, so honor your word no matter what the reasons are for disregarding them. Remember, a promise is a promise.
Stop giving a shit what other people think!!!
The goal:
Do not give a damn what anyone thinks about you
The obstacle:
Feeling automatically scrutinized and self esteem feels under threat whenever out in public
The solution:
Get out of your head
How:
This is the tough part- how can I not think about myself? How can I stop an automatic habit of needing to be conscious of how I'm projecting myself? Can I stop scanning for evidence to support fears that I am a useless, pathetic person, ugly, worthless (or not)? Can I not worry that I will hurt people by saying the wrong thing or make myself look stupid and valueless?
Idea #1
Find a new way to channel my mental energies. Instead of concentrating on how I am being/acting/coming across and what I'm thinking, really think hard about what I want and what I can do or say to make my experience of any given situation and life in general more enjoyable or productive.
Idea #2
Ditch fears. Remind myself that doing whatever I do, (even if it means walking around naked or saying what's on my mind) will not kill me! As long as I'm not rude, offensive or hurting anyone, it is unlikely that something bad will happy and NO ONE has the right to criticise. If they do, then realize that they are effectively saying "I'm an idiot scum bag and I'm going to make you feel bad to make myself feel good"- How ridiculous it would be for me to value the wrong, uneducated opinion of a scum bag stranger over intelligent, genuine people who aren't criticising arse holes!
Training myself out of this 'in my own head' habit will take A LOT of work if indeed it is possible.
Do not give a damn what anyone thinks about you
The obstacle:
Feeling automatically scrutinized and self esteem feels under threat whenever out in public
The solution:
Get out of your head
How:
This is the tough part- how can I not think about myself? How can I stop an automatic habit of needing to be conscious of how I'm projecting myself? Can I stop scanning for evidence to support fears that I am a useless, pathetic person, ugly, worthless (or not)? Can I not worry that I will hurt people by saying the wrong thing or make myself look stupid and valueless?
Idea #1
Find a new way to channel my mental energies. Instead of concentrating on how I am being/acting/coming across and what I'm thinking, really think hard about what I want and what I can do or say to make my experience of any given situation and life in general more enjoyable or productive.
Idea #2
Ditch fears. Remind myself that doing whatever I do, (even if it means walking around naked or saying what's on my mind) will not kill me! As long as I'm not rude, offensive or hurting anyone, it is unlikely that something bad will happy and NO ONE has the right to criticise. If they do, then realize that they are effectively saying "I'm an idiot scum bag and I'm going to make you feel bad to make myself feel good"- How ridiculous it would be for me to value the wrong, uneducated opinion of a scum bag stranger over intelligent, genuine people who aren't criticising arse holes!
Training myself out of this 'in my own head' habit will take A LOT of work if indeed it is possible.
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Sex Tips from Rock Stars
In a Men's Health article I checked out on the subject, they mentioned a few points which are always good reminders of how to present yourself in a more appealing way. I don't care about sex tips, but personal development is always good:
- When in groups, try moving around the room and interacting with as many people as possible. When you speak, vary the pace of your voice from upbeat to slow, and deliver all your words with emphasis. Be controversial, counter-intuitive, emotional and fluent.
- Recent research found that confident people keep an open posture with their hands apart and away from their face.
- Rock stars are unattainable. Create that exclusivity by having somewhere else to be and making your time with her feel limited.
- Guys hunt for women in packs. Women don’t often find that appealing. It’s usually the guy who shows he’s willing to break away who makes the most progress.” Rock legend dictates as much. The successful womaniser breaks away from the entourage, making himself more ‘vulnerable’ by introducing himself to strangers. “You become a much safer proposition,”
- These are men who stand out: the guy who asks questions during lectures, scores multiple strikes at the bowling alley or takes risks in the boardroom. Find the thing that marks you out – and push it.
- In a social context, movement is very important. Using expansive arm gestures is a way of getting noticed. Pour cocktails at a party, hail taxis and throw your hands up at gigs.
- Adopt characteristics that women find attractive: attentiveness, empathy and listening skills [Side note: this is something I've worked on a lot and feel very good at]
- Don’t plan a date for after a heavy workout. Cambridge University found high testosterone reduces your capacity for empathy.
- Try to look young and youthful- groom yourself (including downstairs)
- Up your intake of vitamin C. It can prevent the ageing effects of long-term sun exposure, says the University of Maryland.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Become happy by assigning unhappy things a positive value
This was posted on the INTJ forum by a guy who'd suffered long term depression and is now happy most of the time. It was a way of stripping things back and looking at things in a new way which made sense to me:
"Let's delve into what is, and what is not. When we're talking about what is positive, and what is negative, we're referring to something's value to us. We define positive as things we prefer, and negative as things we do not prefer. But to prefer is not an objective observation. An objective observer must remain neutral, and therefore an objective observer is incapable of preferring anything, and therefore also incapable of making value statements. Value is therefore subjective. So, what is value? Value refers to utility - usefulness. If something is useful to us, then it has value. Otherwise, it has no value. So, we've concluded that value is subjective, and refers to how useful something is to us. But what is usefulness? It is anything we can make use of. And whether we can make use of something, or not, is only limited by imagination. So, when something negative happens to you, it must therefore first be seen as something that is not useful to you (decision), therefore has no value or negative value (decision) and hence is baaaad. However, if you allow yourself to see the use of something, then it becomes useful to you - therefore it has value, and therefore it's positive.
So when you're fired, there is no objective value connected to the event (it cannot have one, because if it does, it is not objective), the subjective utility of the event is created through what we imagine we can use the event for. If you imagine it as something that retracts from your resources, then it will be assigned a negative value (low usefulness). If you imagine it as something that frees you from responsibility and allow you to find a new and better job, then it will be assigned a positive value (high usefulness). And here comes the crescendo - if usefulness is subjective, and you are the one assigning things their value, and it lies within your power to assign it usefulness, or unusefulness, and the former will make you happy and the latter will make you unhappy, the following question will then be asked;
If there's no objective value, and you alone decide how valuable an event is to you, then what possible rational reason could you have to assign something a value that does not make you happy?"
Therefore to consciously reinterpret negative events by assigning a positive value= happiness.
The Original Poster went on to stipulate that turning an assigned value into an automatic positive thought takes practice and repetition. Very important in strengthen those neural pathways of habit!
Unhappiness and negative thinking isn't all bad as it tells us there's something not right which needs attention so that it can be changed or learned from, but when negativity is having too much control over one's life, then assigning a new value seems like the way to go.
Thankfully I have matured and questioned certain things in life over the years which has made a positive benefit on my life. Rather than running on auto pilot without realizing it like many people, I decided it would be beneficial to instead learn what drives different people and trying to understand other's interpretation of the world. Doing so makes me more accepting of alternative opinions, where as I used to just think people were ignorant idiots if they didn't share my views- Sometimes, they still are! But at least that's not a knee jerk reaction I have now. Even stuff like getting dumped by women doesn't seem so bad- I used to think 'I'm a nice guy, why me!?' then hold a load of resentment towards these women for dumping me. Now I realize that it was never anything personal- I just wasn't meeting their needs or sharing their values and if value is subjective to each individual, how can I take it personally? In other words, in a long-winded, round-about way, I've come to my own conclusion that one person's trash is another's treasure. This makes me feel less negative towards myself and others, which is great!
However, I am still guilty of having certain set standards and opinions about things which haven't changed for years, if ever! Let's use drawing as an example. What happens is, I don't value: the process of drawing and being creative, the learning journey of tackling and overcoming tricky angles or shading or achievement in attempting to be productive and all I do value is achieving an expert end result. While this drives me to improve, it equally hinders me be creating negative feelings of failure if I don't consistently produce an expert result with ease, therefore to avoid such feelings, I don't practice and then don't improve. And then I feel shit for being bad at drawing! In this example, at least I know what my brain is thinking. I just need to assign new value to the process and less value to achieving a consistent expert result.
"Let's delve into what is, and what is not. When we're talking about what is positive, and what is negative, we're referring to something's value to us. We define positive as things we prefer, and negative as things we do not prefer. But to prefer is not an objective observation. An objective observer must remain neutral, and therefore an objective observer is incapable of preferring anything, and therefore also incapable of making value statements. Value is therefore subjective. So, what is value? Value refers to utility - usefulness. If something is useful to us, then it has value. Otherwise, it has no value. So, we've concluded that value is subjective, and refers to how useful something is to us. But what is usefulness? It is anything we can make use of. And whether we can make use of something, or not, is only limited by imagination. So, when something negative happens to you, it must therefore first be seen as something that is not useful to you (decision), therefore has no value or negative value (decision) and hence is baaaad. However, if you allow yourself to see the use of something, then it becomes useful to you - therefore it has value, and therefore it's positive.
So when you're fired, there is no objective value connected to the event (it cannot have one, because if it does, it is not objective), the subjective utility of the event is created through what we imagine we can use the event for. If you imagine it as something that retracts from your resources, then it will be assigned a negative value (low usefulness). If you imagine it as something that frees you from responsibility and allow you to find a new and better job, then it will be assigned a positive value (high usefulness). And here comes the crescendo - if usefulness is subjective, and you are the one assigning things their value, and it lies within your power to assign it usefulness, or unusefulness, and the former will make you happy and the latter will make you unhappy, the following question will then be asked;
If there's no objective value, and you alone decide how valuable an event is to you, then what possible rational reason could you have to assign something a value that does not make you happy?"
Therefore to consciously reinterpret negative events by assigning a positive value= happiness.
The Original Poster went on to stipulate that turning an assigned value into an automatic positive thought takes practice and repetition. Very important in strengthen those neural pathways of habit!
Unhappiness and negative thinking isn't all bad as it tells us there's something not right which needs attention so that it can be changed or learned from, but when negativity is having too much control over one's life, then assigning a new value seems like the way to go.
Thankfully I have matured and questioned certain things in life over the years which has made a positive benefit on my life. Rather than running on auto pilot without realizing it like many people, I decided it would be beneficial to instead learn what drives different people and trying to understand other's interpretation of the world. Doing so makes me more accepting of alternative opinions, where as I used to just think people were ignorant idiots if they didn't share my views- Sometimes, they still are! But at least that's not a knee jerk reaction I have now. Even stuff like getting dumped by women doesn't seem so bad- I used to think 'I'm a nice guy, why me!?' then hold a load of resentment towards these women for dumping me. Now I realize that it was never anything personal- I just wasn't meeting their needs or sharing their values and if value is subjective to each individual, how can I take it personally? In other words, in a long-winded, round-about way, I've come to my own conclusion that one person's trash is another's treasure. This makes me feel less negative towards myself and others, which is great!
However, I am still guilty of having certain set standards and opinions about things which haven't changed for years, if ever! Let's use drawing as an example. What happens is, I don't value: the process of drawing and being creative, the learning journey of tackling and overcoming tricky angles or shading or achievement in attempting to be productive and all I do value is achieving an expert end result. While this drives me to improve, it equally hinders me be creating negative feelings of failure if I don't consistently produce an expert result with ease, therefore to avoid such feelings, I don't practice and then don't improve. And then I feel shit for being bad at drawing! In this example, at least I know what my brain is thinking. I just need to assign new value to the process and less value to achieving a consistent expert result.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Sleep and Waking Routines
A few things I'd like to try over the next few weeks:
Before I go to sleep at night, make time for positive self talk or to identify the little good things:
The fact it is quiet and I dont live in a noisy neighbourhood, it's warm and comfortable, I have a big bed all to myself, I get to watch a little bit of TV while in bed without worrying about disturbing anyone- being single has its advantages for sure :D
I know it sounds kinda small and pointless, and I will no doubt have a hard time neglecting my negative thoughts, but I actually did this a few days ago and remember waking up the next day feeling just a little bit brighter, so worth doing!
When I wake up in the mornings listen to positive music or watch a few minutes of an upbeat film... or any film to stop me from lying in bed dwelling while I’m waking up and getting up.
I really need to get out of my current habit of resisting waking up because I feel bad about my life compared to when I’m in bed, sleepy and half-conscious.
This will involve setting aside an extra few minutes at the start and end of the day and I will need to cue up some decent material to listen to and add to my mobile phone alarm, but if it at least makes me feel a little bit happier or makes sleeping and waking times a little easier, then it's more than worth it trialling.
And if all else fails, there's always the option to knock one out to relieve a little stress Lol
Friday, 10 February 2012
Limiting Forum Time
I love internet Forums- If its on a topic I'm interested in I could literally read other people's comments and opinions for days on end and sometimes I do! While this is fun and educational, it can suck away massive amounts of time I could be using to be productive. Some simple tips I've decided to use from now on is:
- Know you can only devote a set amount of time to a forum and be conscious of the clock. For example, Limit forum browsing to up to an hour every other day. Feel free to finish browsing posts or commenting before the hour has finished.
- Focus only on topics which really interest you and try to ignore topics of partial interest.
- Don't waste time on long rant posts, especially if they're bitching about their lives. While the act of giving/listening and being empathetic is important, remember I've got my own problems I need to sort out first, rather than try to offer advice or support to others. Instead look for posts which will positively benefit my life.
- Avoid topics and conversations with several pages of replies and instead stick to reading topics with up to 1 page of responses.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Well-being advice
Saw this on the NHS website and thought I'd paste it into a blog post as a reminder of the ways in which I should be living my life for optimal well-being. I've read these tips 100s of times in various books and websites, but never hurts to be reminded of them...
National research has identified five ways to wellbeing, which if built into our everyday lives, help to improve our wellbeing and reduce our risk of anxiety and depression. They are the mental health equivalent of eating five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.
Source: Foresight Mental Capital and Wellbeing Project, 2008
1. Connect
With the people around you. With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. At home, work, school or in your local community.
Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them. Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.
2. Be active
Go for a walk or run. Step outside. Cycle. Play a game. Garden. Dance.
Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy; one that suits your level of mobility and fitness.
3. Take notice
Be curious. Catch sight of the beautiful. Remark on the unusual. Notice the changing seasons. Savour the moment, whether you are on a train, eating lunch or talking to friends.
Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.
4. Keep learning
Try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Sign up for that course. Take on a different responsibility at work. Fix a bike. Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food.
Set a challenge you will enjoy achieving. Learning new things will make you more confident, as well as being fun to do.
5. Give
Do something nice for someone. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in.
Seeing yourself, and your happiness, linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and will create connections with the people around you.
National research has identified five ways to wellbeing, which if built into our everyday lives, help to improve our wellbeing and reduce our risk of anxiety and depression. They are the mental health equivalent of eating five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.
Source: Foresight Mental Capital and Wellbeing Project, 2008
1. Connect
With the people around you. With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. At home, work, school or in your local community.
Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them. Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.
2. Be active
Go for a walk or run. Step outside. Cycle. Play a game. Garden. Dance.
Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy; one that suits your level of mobility and fitness.
3. Take notice
Be curious. Catch sight of the beautiful. Remark on the unusual. Notice the changing seasons. Savour the moment, whether you are on a train, eating lunch or talking to friends.
Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.
4. Keep learning
Try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Sign up for that course. Take on a different responsibility at work. Fix a bike. Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food.
Set a challenge you will enjoy achieving. Learning new things will make you more confident, as well as being fun to do.
5. Give
Do something nice for someone. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in.
Seeing yourself, and your happiness, linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and will create connections with the people around you.
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